Yours, Apparently

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My heart was not yours to take that summer night, when the air was thick and humid amidst melting popsicles and wide open windows of the recently-occupied house I kept my solitude in. My heart was not yours to take that winter morning, when I was the coldest I'd ever be, the most isolated I'd ever feel.


My heart was not yours to take that normal school day, right after I had weeped in the bathroom, friendless, nostalgic, and out-of-place in a new school. My heart was not yours to take that one period of cooking class, when our backs were turned to each other as we met our classmates for the year at different tables.


My heart was not yours to damage seven months later, a month after you confided in me your breakup with some online girl, when I had to learn you had started dating my best friend through her, despite our slow-paced, growing closeness.


My heart was not yours to rip a sliver off of two years later, after carpools and hours waiting for carpools; spilled secrets and spoken words exchanged with no one else; finally healing from two rejections and one from someone else that wasn't you; jealous possessiveness over my life that was drifting away from yours; continuous teenage love life drama revolving around you and our other friends; and continuously mothering you, when we no longer rode in the same carpool; no longer spoke more than a sentence or two every so often; no longer cared much beyond what a friendship calls for; no longer spent more than 10 minutes in the same friend circle in which we barely talked to each other; and no longer felt like friends but more like distant fragments of our old friendship.
But you did. Over and over, you had your way with my heart because past my two-year-old infatuation masked as a one-sided teenage "love," was a friend breakup creeping its way between us day after day, week after week. No words were needed, but I felt it, even if you were oblivious the entire time we knew each other. You put me through years of suffering, and you took my heart unknowingly until the time when we felt like friends but didn't act so.


My heart, clearly mine, was taken hostage and threatened to be injured until it finally was by you.


I hope, on the off chance you read this, I hope you know now my heart is not yours to take because you've already taken it.






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