Because of Him

April 4, 2017
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I remember. I remember because I can never forget. It's not like I want to, I mean, we were invincible. Remember? We were everthing everybody else wanted. We had something everybody else wanted. We were something. Don't you remember?

I remember, because I was in love with you. How can you not remember that?

I fell in love with someone who didn't know how to take care of himself. I let him cry on my shoulder when he was sad. I let him hold my hand when he was anxious about something. I let him hold me when he was happy. I let him lean on me, literally, when he wasn't feeling good about himself or anything for that matter. I let him lash out on me when he was hurt by his father. 

He didn't know how to cope without someone else feeling pain, and guess who that was! That was me.

He brought me up, when all he did, in the end, was bring me down. Like a stupid rollercoaster!

We were the so called 'perfect' couple, and everyone wanted to be us. They wanted what we had. But they didn't know what happened behind closed doors. How he would actually tell me to change when I wore a bandshirt or styled my hair in a specific way. 

Perfection is imperfection in it's own simple way. 

But because of him, I hurt myself. I developed sick mental disorders. I have many scars on my body. My weight has to stay the same so that I don't relapse or feel indifferent. I can't sleep at night because of those hallucinating daydreams of verbal abuse. I can't smile, like I use to because I'm afraid! 

I'm afraid that if I smile, I'm betraying him. Because in memory of him, I vowed to not smile. R.I.P to my youthfulness. R.I.P to my happiness.

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