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If Only I Knew

For the past 16 years I’ve done nothing but wait and I’m sick of it. What’s the point of life if all you do is wait, it’s tiring and I want to stop so that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to  stop. I waited 16 years for you to show up, and what you still haven’t shown up, you first use my Mother and when your family shamed you, you decided to take off. What kind of a sick minded person does that it’s not fair to her, Me, your wife and your kids. They had to grow up without a father maybe just like I did. Sure I had my father who adopted me but it’s not the same. You can’t compare your nose or smile or finger length or toes or hair to someone who isn’t genetically related to you. Thanks a lot you screwed up My life, my real Mother’s life and yours. So here’s the big question for you, are you happy? If you are then I’m just glad you left, I’ve never hated any more than I hate you.


You’re a coward to be thinking that hiding is the best thing. One day I will haunt you down and find, you will pay for every single pain that you’ve cause for me and my mother, trust me when I say you wish you were dead after what I will do to you if I find you. I will make you pay for EVERYTHING.


Do you even know that I exist? I’m guessing not since you never even bothered trying to contact mom. I can’t ask her any question about you because I was told it would hurt her too much. When I found out what you did to her I have never been so angry in my life because I love her more than I love anything/ anyone else. If I were to lose her, I don’t know what I would do because she’s my anchor and she’s my life support. Even though her and I are at different parts of the  world I love her soo much and I know she wouldn’t want me to be wasting my time on you, but I have to know who you are, I want to get to know who you are but I don’t want to at the same time.

There is always going to be a part of me that wants to see that my birth father isn’t as evil as I think he is, I want to see that the other person who brought me to this world is just as good as the other and that he’s changed, that’s more than I want from life.

 

Why did you run? Sure what you did was some of the worst things you could do, but if you had a heart I would think you would stick around to help. Apparently you used to work at the airport and one of the workers said she knew you and that you were a hard worker and kind or something like that, that’s the hope that I held onto all these years that you were a good man with a good heart and what you did was an awful mistake but that you would come around and try to make up for it. I at least want to know your name and what you look like, but I know none of these questions will ever be answered and you will just be a fantasy I’ve created in my head. I can’t move on knowing that you’re out there not knowing you have a daughter who is willing to give you a chance if only you would just reach out to her or have someone reach out to me. I know you can’t speak english but just a simple hi or photo or something to know that you’re out there.

You hurt my mother but I know that if I find you that you won't hurt me because I know in my heart that you’re not that kind of person, I know you care about people and I want to believe that you ran away because you thought you would be doing the best thing for everyone, but really the best thing you could've done was stick around that’s a gift  every child wants, is to have both of their parents under one roof but some happy endings don’t happen to everyone.

 

“The loss of your father, no matter how old you are changes your life forever. Your dad is your protector who keeps you safe and secure. You never really get over the loss, your learn to live with the loss and he is never far from your thoughts.”
    -Unknown


It’s easy for the other kids in this family to say oh they are your parents  too but only you know that the only real parents to you are the ones who raise you and watched you take your first steps and speak your first words. My grandmother died when I was about 5-6 up until then she was the only mother I knew. I was the one who found her in her favorite chair, I was the one who got left behind, I was the one who has lost everything. I was too young to know why she wouldn’t respond to me until someone came in and screamed. Then the rest was kind of a blur because no one was telling me what was going on. All I can remember is standing outside as these men had her body in a blanket and carried her out. I was crying I think and saying her name but no one would listen to me. I can’t exactly remember who the lady was that found her after me but she was a younger woman I don’t know her name but I’m sure she came around sometimes to help my grandmother out. Anyways outside was crowded with people walking in and out of the little clay house we lived in, most of them crying and others trying to comfort me, but no one ever told me what was going on until I got older. Being 5 or 6 I knew something wasn’t right, and as the days went by I didn’t see my grandmother anywhere. This other lady was taking care of me.


Then one day this new lady came along with some other people who were wearing a shirt with my grandmother's face on it. I remember the picture very well, it was her I knew it was her, but everyone was wearing it and crying, this one lady put the shirt of my grandmother’s face on me and I started to cry and I said something like where is mama. The lady told me she wasn’t here and that we were going to say goodbye to her. I don’t really remember what happened after that but the  lady who came with the other woman, the one who seemed to know me, and the one who put shirt the shirt on me never once left my side. She was holding my hand and me for as long as I could remember. I felt like she was someone safe, I know I stopped crying the minute she held me and told me everything was going to be okay. Little did I know that the lady I met that day, the lady I instantly trusted, believed and felt safe with, was my mother.




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