"Why?" | Teen Ink

"Why?"

May 22, 2015
By DiviDancer BRONZE, Jericho, New York
DiviDancer BRONZE, Jericho, New York
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Leaning against the wall, I bawl my eyes out. The tears splash down my face like a hurricane. Every day of my life seems to worsen. The weight on my shoulders pushes me deeper and deeper into my insecurities.  I feel so shattered; so unworthy. I want to scream! All these emotions are breaking me apart. Little by little, my sobs grow weaker and weaker. Moving my body becomes a hard task. I close my eyes and lean into the comfort only my bed seems to be giving me.


The sun shines in through the open blinds above my bed. I sulk into the bathroom, the beginning of what has become my morning routine. I wash my face, inhale, close my eyes, and plaster a smile on my face. Hoping the fake gesture will fool both my parents; I hold myself up and trudge down the staircase as if I were walking through a mountain of snow. Upon reaching the last step, my mother greets me. I reply by giving her a kiss on her cheek and mimic the motions with my father. I guess my smile was enough to fool even them. The cool breeze slaps me in the face. The word ‘goodbye’ slips my mouth in an echo as the door slams shut behind me. The chills that shake my body felt good. I acknowledge my best friends as I climb onto the bus. My lips twitch from the fake smile I make as my friends fool around.
       

I step foot into the building dreading every upcoming moment. Some of the passing faces bring disappointment, sorrow, and pain. I shake my head as if ridding myself of the thoughts running through my head. Walking down the hall, my breath catches in my throat. My friends come over to greet me. I back up as I see her in the midst. Her presence puts memories back into my head; I wish I could control how much it affected me. Her eyes were burning holes into me. I turn back to my locker, taking a few breaths while I get ready for first period. RING!

 

“Saved by the bell,” has never seemed so fitting.
         

The day drags on as if time is ticking in slow motion. The digits on the clock seem like they haven’t changed in the past 15 minutes. My fingers twitch and my legs shake; an unsettling feeling of anxiety sets in my stomach. The bell indicating lunch time cuts through my daymare. Grabbing my books, I meet my friends at the class door. Together we all go to our lockers. My feet feel heavy as I take each step. My mind and body seem to realize the direction I’m headed is right towards the lion’s den. Her taunting eyes burn holes into me as I walk over to my locker. Her gaze indicates a challenge; she’s testing me to see if I’ll react. More than anyone else, I have become a pro at fooling myself that I don’t care. Who needs her consent or opinion anyway? Not me. I keep my head up and keep my pace quick as I walk by without an acknowledgement. I see her through the corner of my eye whispering to another girl. My paranoia rises from inside of me. I bet she’s talking about me. She must be convincing everyone that I’m not worth hanging out with.  As I walk down the hallway, I feel the eyes of judgment on my back.
       

The classes after lunch aren’t that much better. I see her face in every corner and in every classroom. Each classroom can’t end any more quickly. Every minute, every second I count as it goes by. It feels as though years have passed before the final bell rings. Finally, I’m home free. I can’t wait to get away from the suffocating stares. My eyes well up with fresh tears ready to make an appearance. I sit on the big yellow bus waiting to reach my safe haven, the one place she can’t follow me. Or so I think.
       

Back in bed with the plump pillows under my head and the fluffy blanket wrapping me up in its loving and comforting arms, my mind wanders around. The images of seeing her gossiping and spreading rumors shatter me like a delicate vase all over again. It wasn’t what she said. It wasn’t who she said it to. I think it was the fact that no logical reason was presented to me. I was left out in the dark. Why was I so vulnerable? Couldn’t I have put up my guards sooner? Why did I let her act the way she did towards me? Was it better that I had just I let it go? Why did she pick me? Did the world hate me? Why me? Simply, why? The questions echo in my head and ring in my ears. My mind suffocates with no other thought to turn to. My eyes cloud over with tears refusing to stop the waterfall. I want to scream. The walls are closing in. I am stuck.


The author's comments:

      This memoir was inspired by a tough time that I faced. During this time, I felt as though I was alone and broken. I could only envision the glass as half empty and I could not find self-compassion. I wrote this piece in hope to let other people know that they're not in this fight alone. I want to let people know that that it's okay to feel hurt but it is important to pick yourself back up. The universe isn't out to get you. 


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