It’s been 6 months since we ended, and I still find it excruciatingly painful to write about it again. But I became a writer for the sole purpose of sharing my experiences with others, so I guess this is just another one of those moments to be shared amongst people going through the same exact thing.

These past few months have been brutal. I think I lost myself entirely when you decided that you never wanted to speak to me again, yet I find all reasons to blame myself for it. I really cannot put it into words how it feels to have your first love break your heart or how long it’ll take to get over it. I don’t know the answers to these questions, and I think I’ll always be searching for them.

You were the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I know in my heart you felt the same. So I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why you did what you did, but I suppose there isn’t always an answer for everything. A year and 8 months is a long, long time to be in a relationship with someone even if we were off and on. But I’ll tell you right now that the happiness you gave me will never be felt again for the longest time. And the reason for this is because you really did break my heart, and I have to gain back the self-esteem I so desperately lost. I want to be who I was before this, but after you lose someone you love, you really are never the same person again. Or at least that’s what I think.

Even though the feelings for you have faded, I know in my heart that I’m still not over you. I’ll always need answers. I believe it’s called closure. I still check up on you. I still think you’ll call even if it’s been 6 months. I’m still in love with you, and learning to live with that is inevitable. Loving you is inevitable.

Even though advice helps, nothing heals heartbreak. The only advice I can give you is that you need to tell yourself that this is not the end of the world even though it may seem like it is. I thought that for 6 months. It was plain misery, and I kept telling myself that it would never get better. I truly did believe that. I sat in my own pain and suffered because I didn’t think anything would cure my depression. I was alone for most of the time, and within 6 months I have really grown into somebody I thought I would never be. I’ve matured tremendously through this heartbreak.

Although he was a part of my high school life for two years, he remains in the past, and that’s where he’ll stay. I don’t regret falling in love with him. It was exactly what I wanted even if I’m too stubborn to admit to it. The truth is, your first was your first for a reason. And that first relationship will teach you so many things that you never thought about before. For instance, he gave me the support I needed to start writing again. I gave it up for a while, but after him telling me so many times, “ Abby you are truly an amazing writer,” I started believing in my gift again, and I picking up right where I left off. 6 months past, and I won top ten in a writing competition, which they gave me free Katy Perry tickets. Or the fact that I had my writing published on some website, and they gave me a free Barnes and Noble gift card. Maybe this heartbreak was a good thing even if I lost the only person who understood what I was going through.

I’m still angry, and I doubt that’ll change. I still ask myself why he doesn’t want to remain a part of my life. Sometimes at night when I’m lonely I’ll write to him, and I’ll pretend he can see it even though he can’t. He’s blocked my number and hasn’t reached out for a while now. I’ll write about how many writing accomplishments I’ve completed, or the fact that I’m still not over the death of my dad (he died four months ago). And yes, he didn’t reach out to me. I’ll never get over that. I waited up all night because I knew he found out, and he said he would call, but he never did. I think that was the worst of it all, knowing that I wasn’t worth an apology for the death of my own father. But I forgave him. He doesn’t know that, though.

So what I’m trying to get at is that relationships are never supposed to be forever, but you will get better. I promise. I really do hope whoever reads this finds the courage to move on and never look back. Actually, you can look back. You can reminisce on the memories all you want. That is okay. I do it all the time, but don’t torture yourself. I used to be addicted to looking at pictures of us because I felt that it was the only thing I still had of us, but the truth of the matter is the only things I really do have are the memories, and those too are in the past. So forgive yourself for your mistakes, but know that this relationship is supposed to teach you things. You’re supposed to grow from it. And after all is said and done, you’re going to get better. You will learn to love again, and you most certainly will learn to love yourself again.