It doesn’t matter.

None of it matters at all.
Your C+ in AP Calculus is the best that you can do.
Honor Roll and High Honor Roll and class rank and GPA are bullshit and you know it, you know it. You know that this, high school, is a blip and in a week you’ll know if you’re accepted or rejected and either way it is okay. What ever happens will happen and it will be okay.


Either way the next few months matter less and less and then it’s summer and you’re free and in the fall you’ll either take the train to a place in Vermont where they understand that all of this is bullshit or you’ll take a plane to the other side of the world and live like you’ve wanted to all along and all the bullshit will be so far away you’ll forget that you almost drowned in it more than once.


The letter is coming and then you will know, you will know what it has all been for. You will know that it will have been worth it.


Bullshit bullshit bullshit.


She’s framing her class rank and placing it carefully right next to her bottle of tiny, pink anxiety pills.
She’s kissing her deadbeat boyfriend who will never understand.
These are the girls with better grades, but they still lose. They lose because they’ve both signed up for four more years of bullshit because they live for it. Because it’s all they know.

I don’t know how many days or hours are left but it is ending. Four months and it is forever forever over. Four months and you’re out of the bullshit for good.

Soon the grass will turn green and the air will be warm and the flowers will bloom in the fields and in your eyes. Soon it’ll all be a joke, so funny and so far away. Soon they will be only slideshows with outdated songs. Soon, honey, soon.









I am going to live in a little house in some foreign, rolling hills and that thought alone keeps me alive on these gray days.








They say that they love me and I know that they do but it’s not in a way that makes me want to stay.