sometimes I really wonder...what kind of a person have I turned into? I used to be so happy, so carefree...confident! I was doing so well, feeling pretty fine with who I was and the way things were...and now, it looks like I've created a hole in my heart. call it cliche, but I totally mean it. maybe it's my own fault...by hooking up with a bunch of guys I've just created some sort of a longing in myself to always have a "someone". and at the same time, perhaps I spent too much time thinking about some secret someone while I was at school or at Ichthus, and now everyone's
socializing and being pretty happy while I sit here thinking "I was once like her" or "I was once a part of this crowd, thinking things were pretty swell just like that" and now I have dreams of leaving completely - and yet, one thing that still hasn't changed about me is that I'm TERRIFIED. dead terrified of leaving all the people - people who once truly meant the world to me. but I guess when the people I counted on so much to satisfy me are no longer doing that (for some reason or another - they found fault with me, they found more excitement elsewhere, I pushed them away...) then I try to tell myself, "it's okay...I have another place to go, another delicious secret..." but I DON'T. I'm just not happy right now, and what bothers me is not only at school. It's...everywhere. Which leads me to believe that something has changed with me. Or maybe others have changed, and I haven't. Who knows. All I know is...we're all trying to find our place in our worlds, and it looks like I might've lost mine.
And I'm terrified at the prospect of finding a new one all by myself.
socializing and being pretty happy while I sit here thinking "I was once like her" or "I was once a part of this crowd, thinking things were pretty swell just like that" and now I have dreams of leaving completely - and yet, one thing that still hasn't changed about me is that I'm TERRIFIED. dead terrified of leaving all the people - people who once truly meant the world to me. but I guess when the people I counted on so much to satisfy me are no longer doing that (for some reason or another - they found fault with me, they found more excitement elsewhere, I pushed them away...) then I try to tell myself, "it's okay...I have another place to go, another delicious secret..." but I DON'T. I'm just not happy right now, and what bothers me is not only at school. It's...everywhere. Which leads me to believe that something has changed with me. Or maybe others have changed, and I haven't. Who knows. All I know is...we're all trying to find our place in our worlds, and it looks like I might've lost mine.
And I'm terrified at the prospect of finding a new one all by myself.
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