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I Just Wish

I tend to hate a lot of things. Right now, one of those things is myself.

I’m just the oxymoronic living embodiment of constant striving and constant failing, of wishful dreaming and practical living, of too much thinking but not enough understanding. And my biggest challenge is reconciling all of them, in a way that’ll satisfy both me and the other person that I’m inevitably out to please.

My parents. I wish, I truly just wish, that I were the perfect daughter. Perfect—a nonexistent word really. But I wish that my parents were always proud of me. I mean always. I wish that I never did anything to disappoint them, to make them question their trust in me. And yet somehow I always find myself doing just that.

What I can’t understand is if I so desperately want this, why can’t I achieve it? Why can’t I just not go out with a boy alone for over an hour? Why cant I just do what she says? And that’s why I sort of hate myself.

I told myself 10:00, then 10:30 (and I was actually really set on that one), and somehow it became 11. And it wasn’t his fault—he actually told me when it was 10:27 so that I could get home by 10:30. It was me, all me. I pushed to stay out till later. I decided to cry in front of him when really I should’ve been in my house. Hell, I decided to cry in front of him.

So what do I do now? Not go out for the rest of the summer? I don’t know what my mom is going to do with me, but what worries me is what I’m going to do with myself. I can never get it right. I always do this. Regret. Is regret felt in your brain, or your conscience? What difference does it make. It still looms over my head like a black cloud regardless.

I’m just so weak. I don’t have the strength to just suck it up and move on when I have to, and I can’t stick to a single rule I give myself. I wish I had a tougher interior. You’d think, I went through my fair share of s***; I should be kind of hard on the inside. But no. And I’m not even good at pretending. I touch upon a semi-sensitive topic, and boom, waterworks. It doesn’t matter with who or where. Gosh, I wish I could just suck it up.

I just wish. That's all.




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