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So Much Easier?

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It would be so much easier if it were just a little harder – just a little less of a habit, no – of an instinct, of a natural reaction, talking to you.
It would be so much easier if it were just a little harder to laugh at your jokes, just a little bit less natural to smile at you, if your name were just a little bit less the first to pop into my head.
It would be so much easier if you were just a little less the first person I want to call when I get good news, the first person I want to talk to when I'm excited, or bored, or sad- but the sadness, it's usually about you, about you and her and me or you and me or you and her, or just her; it would be so much easier if you were just a little less the first person I want to laugh with, to talk with.
It would be so much harder if you felt the same way.
It would be so much harder, but so much kinder, so much better, so much more joyful, just a little but more perfect –
It would be so, so much easier if I felt differently, but guess what?
I don't.
They say the world isn't fair - but the way you feel is fair, it's what I wanted – isn't it?
It's what I thought I wanted….
Maybe it's only what she wanted.
Maybe it's for the best… like I thought it was, maybe it's for the best, the right thing to do, but the right thing never felt so impossible.
It would be so much easier to just close my eyes – close my eyes and disappear.





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