Rejected Relaxation

Sitting in my desk, I’m shaking my pencil between my fingers. My brain heated with frustration from constant flashbacks play like a movie in my head. My hands clammy, eyes getting out of focus due to staring off I’m looking down at my paper and yet my name is not even on it. I can’t think straight. Like a puzzle in my head so Many things play in my head that makes my heart race.
My family, my school, my life that’s all I can think about. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. There is never a break from all life’s problems. My family has been having trouble with paying bills and paying the rent. Recently the owners of the house we been renting from declared themselves bankrupt, so they lost the house, and we been living here rent free since January 2011. That is truly a blessing we received because were having trouble just paying bills still. Little by little my parents have been saving money for our next move. But my stomach gives me knots having the feeling that if we do move, we might struggle even more then we are already.
I’ve been trying very hard looking for a job but it seems difficult for a seventeen year old girl to find one in the lonely city of Ocala. My parents deserve to be happy after all the struggle they go through just to support me and my brother. Even though my brother is twenty-two and has a better paying job then my own parents make. That’s what bothers me about him he sees our family struggle and he can care less what my mother and father go through. He is like a stranger living in our house. That just really rages me with anger to the point flames are in my eyes.
I’ve been slacking in school due to all the stress because I have a hard time concentrating. I feel stupid because I feel like I know nothing just because I can’t concentrate. I mean it’s not my fault I want to do well in school! I want to make my parents proud. No one in my little family has graduated high school. Yes there all drop outs but my mother was able to get her GED. Still to me that’s not good enough. I want to show my mother I can do better I can get somewhere in life I can be a success in life. I have to say learning is not easy for me I swear I think I have A.D.D everything and anything distracts me. All because of that stupid stress. I don’t want to be a failure! I want to be psychologist, have a beautiful home with believe it or not at least four to five kids. I always dreamed of a huge family just coming around the family table and all sharing how our day was and all the love filling my heart giving me that warm sensation in my soul that I have something to truly live for. It scares me to death I may not have that future.
I just want to live my life happy I am afraid to really screw up my future. I desire to make my family proud and finally have a light shine at them and say “wow that’s my daughter “. I want my mom to look me in the eyes one day maybe when I come down from graduation day, “Ani you have made me the proudest mom to walk on this earth. I’m truly am proud of you! You became such an amazing grown woman and I’m thrilled to have such a successful daughter like you” wow just the thought gives me chills up my spine and tears to my eyes. That’s all I ever actually wanted for my mother to say those exact words. When that day comes ill truly be the best day of my life. When I hear those words ill inspire me to exceed to a better life then I ever lived before.
I come back to reality and still not even my name on this classwork and there is only half an hour left of class. What do I tell my teacher? I really don’t want anyone else to know what I’m going through. They will think I’m a loser or an outcast. I don’t want to be dauntless and say a rude comment to my teacher. She does not deserve that! What do I do? I feel shaky and nervous I think I’m going to break a sweat. “Anais why have you not even started? You been in class for an hour! “My heart dropped, my stomach filled with butterflies like if I was on a roller-coaster about to drop straight down. “ I’m sorry Ms.Peters I cannot focus today I have a collection of things going through my mind I don’t mean to act this way.” She gave me a stare and nodded her head knowing she understood. Life’s hard but god gives us challenges in our lives no matter how hard because he knows we can get through it. We will see what else life has in store for me.





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mimi said...
Jan. 14, 2012 at 8:35 pm
this is very inspirational and it really comes from a beautiful golden heart
 
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