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Trusting?

2005: The conversation has happened.
Because the suspension of the years has been building up I thought I was prepared. Well, when mommy and daddy sat me down was I prepared? My world might have been good but as it turns out it was actually turmoil, slipping through my fingers with every attempt I made to understand. How could they do this to me!? I screamed in my head. I was young and all alone in this world now. Tears poured from my eyes and dampened my sheets. I held my dog tightly to my chest, for if I let her go I might crumble into a million pieces. I won’t accept it, it’s not true, I told myself. But the more I told myself it wasn’t true, reality set in. I wiped my eyes, got my act together and went down stairs for dinner.



2007: I wake up and the birds are chirping happily, the sun is shining in through my window. I know that it has to be time to get up and start the monotonous day at school. The only thing that would get me through the day was seeing my father after school. Maybe I thought just maybe I wouldn’t have such a boring day after all.

I got dressed and hurried out to the bus. I kept my head held high all throughout the day and hoped that when I got home a message would be awaiting for me. All my classes sped by me at the speed of light. Before I knew it, it was last period. As I was sitting there waiting for the hand to reach the three, the clock slowly went by mocking me with every “tick tock tick tock” it made. “BERRRIIIINNNNGGG”

Yes, finally the day is over! I dashed to my locker and grabbed my books, threw them in my back pack and ran for the bus. With every fiber of my being I hoped that there was a message waiting for me telling me what time my father was coming. Running through the heavy metal doors I spotted the yellow beast and ran up the stairs, found the closest seat and sat patiently for it to move. The mouth of the beast closed shut with a giant force, and we were off. It was a relief to me that I was the first stop. Only one more street I told myself, a left and we are home! The contraption rattled to a stop and I fled out of their like it was on fire.

“How was your day?” My mother asked me when I came off the bus.

“Great! Any calls come for me recently?” I asked with hope.

“No not yet but why don’t you go inside, get washed up and then have a snack?” She suggested.

“Oh alright,” I said as I walked a little disappointed to the house. As I took out my homework the chiming of the phone rang. “I’ll get it!” I shouted. “Hello? Okay I understand things come up, but you will be here tonight right? Okay good see you then” I hung up the receiver and slouched in the chair; suddenly I wasn’t up to doing anything. How many times is he going to change the time, I wondered.

“Brianna, everything okay? What time is your father coming?” My mother asked me.

“Not until seven o’clock” I told her through teary eyes. I went to my room and tried my best to do my homework. I couldn’t think of anything to write down, not a single word.

Finally seven o’clock came so I ran to the window in the living room. Seven became seven twenty, then seven thirty. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. No answer. Again he let me down. I was looking forward to this night all week and I wouldn’t get to see him for another two weeks. I put my trust in his hands that he would come tonight and not let me down, but what did he do? He crushed my heart into a hundred pieces.



2008: Now that I no longer see my father my mother brings me to a therapist. Today is the first day that I shall meet her, I have to admit that I am not totally opposed to the idea but I am not shouting “hooray” either.

Our truck pulls up into her driveway and I don’t feel strange but I don’t want to go in. My mother kindly nudges me and I move in the doorway. Immediately I hear footsteps from up above and in comes a nice woman who has short brunette hair and a comely face. She looks welcoming and I immediately take to her presence. She guides me to her office and I choose the comfy black couch with the fluffy pillows. She asks how I am and about myself. I immediately grab a pillow for support and hold it to my chest without a word being said. She just talks and talks but I don’t mind. I just take in my surroundings like a fox, waiting, watching, and when the time is right lunging for my prey. Before I know it the “hour” is up and I have done no talking, but that’s okay she informs me because it’s always good to listen.
In the car my mother asks me what I talked about. I do not talk. I think she understands.



2009: The 55 minutes that I am in this class seems like forever. The teacher is lecturing us about correct punctuation and how to write a good paragraph. I’m not really listening because I’m thinking too much about what to say to my friend and what I’m doing later. Everyone runs out the door including me today, I don’t want to be the last one to lunch for a change.

As I approach the familiar lunch room I see my friend in the back where our table is. We don’t want to be noticed by other people but of course we always are. She’s wearing her red tank top and navy blue shorts with flip flops; which are highly appropriate for this time of the year considering its stifling in the school. I walk to the table and sit down, I can tell by the way her eyes are positioned that she knows something.

“I just found out the funniest thing today!” she declares.

“What? Don’t be shy.” I tell her. She proceeds to tell me how she was trying to teach some of her friends the Monty Hall problem and no one got it. It’s all about being on a game show and your chances with winning either a goat or a car, and her friends didn’t get the fact that it was math, and that you had to pay attention to the probability of the goats and the car in order to get the car. No matter how much she explained it to them they didn’t get it, with that comment she let out such a cackle of happiness which sent me into a fit of laughter.

When we calmed down she looked at me and asked me what it was that I wanted to talk to her about.

“Nothing, it’s nothing don’t worry about it.” I said.

“Well I am worrying about it and you need to tell me. I can’t stand to see you miserable all the time! You need to open up to someone whether it be me or someone else that you want, I want you to have a life and you can’t do that when you are miserable all the time!” She yelled at me. I wanted to open up to her more than anything but I wasn’t sure of the consequences. I didn’t want to be hurt again. For such a long time I haven’t been hurt because I have been playing on the safe side. I reasoned with myself that if I kept on doing this then maybe I wouldn’t be hurt again.

“I know how much you care about me and how much you have done for me. Believe me I appreciate everything you have done for me. But this thing that needs to be done is for me only.” I got up and walked outside for a while waiting to go back to class.
The familiar crunching of the gravel under the truck’s wheels was not new to me anymore. I knew where I was and what I wanted to accomplish tonight. I remembered the first time I had come when I was scared, and I had no clue what to do. As I stepped into the doorway I felt comforted by the idea that was running around my skull. I walked into her warm office that always had a hint of vanilla in the air. I sat down on her big black comfy couch and everything from the minute I had my first thought finally tumbled out of my mouth. It felt good to confide in someone all of my secrets and about my life, without holding back for once. She didn’t say a word all she did was just listen and nod her head like a bobble head. The whole time I was strong and I went through each year since the divorce. I paused and she quickly but politely interrupted me.

“That would be all for today Brianna.” She had a smile on her face and I thought I did well. I felt as if the whole world just got lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe now the world would be easier to understand and I could get through it that much easier.




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