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Why Did You Do That?

Why did you do that? Why did you just vanish from my life without a trace to be found? Why am I so traumatized by this, and it seems that no one else on this end of the rope was? Why must I be the victim of your misdoings? Why must I keep asking myself these ridiculous questions? Why can’t I go on with my life and forget you? Why is it I am ready to move on, but mentally I’m not? Why can’t you be there for me anymore when I need you? Why did you have to ruin my life all in one day? What possessed you to do it in the first place? Why must I feel so guilty when I did nothing wrong?

I have all the answers. I just don’t want to accept them yet. I can’t get over you becausee your blood is still running through my veins whether I like it or not. I am apart of you, and we have the same DNA so how AM I supposed to get over you? As for you not being there for me I suppose that was my own doing. I told the cops that I was merely scared of you becausee I didn’t know what else to do, it was such a confusing time and everything was happening so fast! She told me to say that I was scared of you; if it was my choice then I would have said it completely different. Maybe if I didn’t say I was scared of you then I would still have a relationship with you. Constantly I am thinking about you and if it is too late for me to have a relationship with you. Truly I do miss you, but what about her? She will never allow me to see you, I mean it’s not like I can just sneak out and then see you. Im not even sure myself if I want to see you.

So again, why must I pay for your mistakes? Why is it me that has to suffer most of all and no one else seems like they are affected? I know she is affected financially, but it’s not like she is suffering emotionally? Sure she has to live with the memories that you left her and all the mean and rotten things that have been done and said to her by you. But I have to live without you, and the gnawing pain in me that if I said something different I might be happier. This is all such a confusing time and lately I don’t know what I want anymore. Some days I want to be apart of your life and others I want nothing to do with you. I guess that is the price to pay for doing nothing wrong. So many things have happened since you left my life and I wish more than anything that I could tell you all about them and feel safe and secure with my father. But that is not the case and whenever I hear you name I get goose bumps and my stomach churns. This i know is not normal. I shouldn’t be this worried and yet I am. I don’t remember when I was happy, I might seem like it but I am not. Maybe if I moved far far away from here than I would be happy becausee then I wouldn’t have to deal with the memories in this house. I know I have to face the fact and that fact is clear. I miss you terribly but I don’t want to see you. I think there is enough hate anger regret sadness and everything else in my heart for the both of us. And I think that if I didn’t see you it would be for the best, im not saying in the future when I am all grown up but maybe for now I can push you out of my thoughts just maybe, and actually have a life. Its just a thought but I know that sooner than later you will find a way to obliterate my happiness into nothingness and I will once again be that sad child looking for a shoulder to cry on.



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