Impassioned

Passion was the key to my end of sanity. Each one of us. Every human creature that possesses a flailing heart passes through this life in many different chronicles. Some of us break out of it quicker than others. Some find their destiny tangled in the threads of misery and impossibility. Some are born into happiness. A plain chance of luck in their palms. For me my end is here in words. I have lost my mind, my life, my dignity, my future. But most of all. I lost the one thing I could never have. I lost him. The smile of a fallen angel I met so long ago that haunts me each waking morning of my aching life. He was the moonlight of the nightfall. The jubilant rhythm of my evanescent thoughts. He was the mystery I longed to unravel beneath my greedy fingertips. To me he was immortal. My immortal love that would never fade from my soul. So strong that only God could tear it away.

He was. He was immortal until God had slipped from his careless heart.

It hurts too much for me to detail the events of when we briefly reunited.

I fear for him.

I fear that I will never see him again. I wish I could pour out the contents of my heart to him. I wish he understood how much I love him. I know I could never measure up to all his former girlfriends. Of course they were as lovely as him. Faces of pure angels. I am the hunchback of Notre-dame. The monster and hideous beast that is under a terrible spell he cannot break. Here is what I want to say to him so dearly:

I know I have only been in your life briefly as a child. I know your memories of me are faint and distant. But regardless of our circumstance. There are three powerful words that will never change for you.

I love you.

I’m too scared. Even to this day to tell you in person and I am sure you feel the same way. I know you said you only loved me like your little sister but I will accept anything of your love. To me it is a privilege just to glimpse at your face. To just sit next to you in church quiet and still. To just hear you speak and laugh. Just to see you smile. I would give you away if that’s what it took to make you happy. I’d let you love someone else, have your own children, live your own life without me. Live your dreams. But as long as you are happy – it would give me a sliver of that same joy you feel.

To me you are the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I had never seen someone so perfect, so fascinating. Not only is the outside of you so beautiful but your heart is as well. It is the real core of your beauty. We have nothing in common. Even our humor is separated. You care about things I would probably never care about. Your interests would bore me if they had not been of your concern. I’m so glad you are the top of your class. I’m pleased when your family praises your hard work.

Do you remember that day you smiled at me across the row of yellow blossoms. Remember? We were in the sullen graveyard coated in summer shine. The cicadas taunted your white tee as you tried to garden the place. You smiled at me for the longest time. You were so beautiful. My heart was so alive that dawn of day. My beautiful love. My inspiration. My reason to live for beauty and things above. Those days are gone. Now you have become more beautiful than I could ever imagine. But I no longer see the boy I loved so long ago. The smile has crumbled into the darkness of your life. You have changed once again. And again. And again.

I miss him. The boy who had made me laugh on my saddest days. The touch of his praying hands. The breath of his dear voice in my ear. Your own sadness and secrets spearing my heart.

When we die. I cannot bear the thought of you not being there in heaven with me.

I will grasp you one last time. And this time never let go. Just to feel you breathe once more. To feel those lungs leap with your precious air. Your priceless heartbeat close to mine like a cradled infant.

Please my fallen angel.

Do not make me go to hell with you. Please.

Stay here in the summer fields, stay here where your dreams are. Do not make me forget my first beautiful love.

I am always here for you. No matter what happens – even if God erases you from my mind. Remember, wherever you are, no matter whom or what hates you or hurts you.

I love you. Forever and always. I'm just here waiting in this frost-bitten world. Waiting for your kind words, your thoughtful gifts, and your sweet hugs.

I'm just waiting.