Confessions of an Almost Anorexic

January 2, 2011
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This was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

All my friends were going all cutter on me, and for what reason? NOTHING. Oh, she thought she was depressed, eh? Try living in my shoes!

Okay, so maybe my parents weren't possibly getting a divorce. But, I didn't live with mine. I lived with my super overprotective grandmother.

So your boyfriend was a little jealous. At least you could get a guy! With your long legs and pretty eyes. Oh you poor thing.

It's not like you had to walk around being heavier than all your pretty, skinny friends, having all your friends change right in front of you, it's not like you ever had to see your mom on drugs. If anyone should have a reason to cut, I think it should be me.

Every day, I have to look in the mirror and think “oh my gosh, ew, I am so disgusting”. You're not fat, you weren't the one who bombed three play auditions in a few months, you weren't the one who got forgotten by both of her best guy friends, you weren't the one who's best friend moved away, you weren't the one who didn't make the basketball team-you weren't the failure.

I was sick of looking in the mirror. That day, I was done. I wanted someone to notice me and care about me. I was sick of being the one handling everyone's problems. So that day, I skipped lunch.

The hunger felt good, really good. I was miserable, but in a good way. I was getting skinny. I was in control for once in my life.

So the next day, Saturday, I didn't eat anything until dinner. The hunger felt so good. I would be skinny, I would be beautiful. I wouldn't be a failure anymore! People would care, people would notice me! They'd see me and think “wow, she's pretty!” and then I'd have a story. Something interesting to tell people about my otherwise boring life. It made me happy just thinking about it.

But the next day, at church, I thought about how many people I would be hurting by doing this. My dad would be so upset. I couldn't do it, I couldn't.

Tomorrow, I'm going on a no carb diet that actually works. I can deal without carbs for a while. Tomorrow, I'm gonna start exercising more than normal. Tomorrow, I'm gonna be one step closer to fixing one aspect of my life.

Not everything's perfect, and I still feel like a failure sometimes and like I'm in a complete rut, but starving myself won't fix it. No matter how good it feels, I can't do it. I have reasons to live, even if all those reasons are for the future. I've realized you have to wait for the perfect opportunity.

So, to everyone who thinks they're a failure and ugly- let me tell you, you aren't a failure. You just haven't found the perfect road yet. And you will. But you have to wait. I'm still waiting, and it sucks. And I'm still waiting for the moment when I look in the mirror and think I'm pretty, just like I'm sure all of you are. But there's at least one person in the world who has faith in you and thinks you're absolutely beautiful.

Take it from me, an almost anorexic.





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