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I could say I believed in a lot of things; words, emotions and actions. I could limit my thinking to a single one or expand it to such a level that I encompass the priorities of my life. It would be the challenge to come up with something new. A conformity that I know I don’t believe in.

What people believe is beyond what anyone sees. We are all candies wrapped in solid wrappers, inner contents hidden from the world. It’s a simple truth that no person thinks the same, that each person is unique. There is one thing that we all share. We all believe.

At a point in my life where I was a zombie, each day the same monotonous actions dimmed by sunlight filtered through graying clouds, I had lost where I stood. I had lost the goal. What the goal was I still have never figured out and probably never will. Somewhere in this time, where nothing could go right; where I clawed at walls too slick and high, attempting for the sun blinking from the sky but never reaching my skin, I disappeared. Within the loss, I found the darkness and in darkness you can let yourself be lost. It’s easier to stop believing that the next day will be better. It’s easier to stop looking for a way to help. It’s easier to detach than try to connect.

In this hole, I found the darkness that I had always feared. That I had feared so deeply that I missed the signs that I was sinking into it; that my life was spinning out of my control. Smiles turned to scowls. Laughter turned to yells. The hum of energy turned to the eerie forgotten silence. In this hole, I let myself drift.

I let myself stop believing.

It’s tyranny rushing over your body, blocking out what should be let in. Within this sudden wave of crashing, burning fury, sadness leaves you cold. Tomorrow will not come. Things will end here. At some point these words echo through the soundless cave, rippling through the air until it’s a seamless cry with no discernible statement. This is what is left after you forget to believe; a chained soul crying to the darkness for the light.

In the morning, I’ll realize that I’ve chained myself with chains made the tragedies that have befallen me. I’ll realize that I alone can make my life better; that no one can force their help upon me. I am alone in making my life better. In the morning, I’ll remember what it means to believe.



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