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My Best Friend And My Biggest Regret

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One true friend means a lot in middle school. Well, when you’re me at least. Over the past two years, so much drama has gone on with my friends and me. It’s too much for one person to have to deal with. But two people were always there for me- Joy, my friends since kindergarten, and my twin sister, Mikaela.

The problems started in fourth grade I met Katie. If I knew back then how hurtful she could be, I would have avoided her. But at the time she seemed nice. By the end of the school year, I noticed she was bossy at times. It didn’t bother me that much, because I know no one is perfect. But she was also a compulsive liar. That I couldn’t stand. I never did put my trust in her because of it. Over the years I’d been meaning to talk to her about it but I never did do anything. Looking back, I wonder why that was.

Our relationship, I often felt, was one- sided. One friend gives, and the other just takes. It’s hard for me to explain. She rarely gave me that good feeling friends are supposed to give you. If I told her what was making me sad, she wouldn’t really listen. I figured she didn’t care and stopped telling her things friends are supposed to comfort each other about. I kept them inside me.

The best day in my life was the day I met Sarah. It was also Katie’s worst day of her life. She hated Sarah since the day we all sat together at lunch. I had a vision of us being a tight group of friends- always there for one another. But unfortunately, we were anything but that. I knew I couldn’t make Katie and Sarah be friends. But I still wanted to be friends with both of them.

I started getting closer to Sarah. She was in every single one of my classes, so we were together the whole day. She was a great friend. I loved her so much and I wanted to be her friend forever. She was the comfort I never got from Katie. I felt comfortable crying with her, because she would cry with me. We were so close by the end of sixth grade that we were like sisters.

I was still friends with Katie. Even though I didn’t feel close to her, we had many fun times together. But Katie did anything she could to get me away from Sarah. She would get mad at me at random times and yell at me- always about Sarah. I was under a lot of stress. I was torn. I felt like I had to choose one friend to keep and one to drop. I really didn’t want to make that decision- who would? It was too much for me- a seventh grader at the time.

Sixth grade ended and it was summer. I spent most of my summer days with Sarah. We never ran out of things to do together. We were at her house one day when I got a weird email from Katie saying she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I knew she was only mad because of Sarah. I called her.

“Katie, why’d you send me an email saying you don’t wanna be my friend?” I said.

“Oh. That… That email was meant for my other friend, Tiffany. I accidentally sent it to you cuz… your name was right under hers and I clicked on yours by accident.”

I was so angry. I knew that was a lie. Why did Katie always have to make things so difficult? “Katie, I know that’s a lie. You always lie to me!” I said, angrily. “And I know you sent that because you want yourself to be my only friend!” I was fuming. She made things so stressful for me. She didn’t even think once about how I felt. She never thought about how much pressure she put me under.

“I want to be friends with Sarah! And I wanted to be friends with both of you! Why couldn’t you accept that?”

She started to say something, but I didn’t even want to hear her stupid excuses or lies.

“You know what, you’re making this so hard for me so… I don’t even want to be your friend anymore!”

I hung up.

We stayed at Sarah’s house for about two more hours. But I didn’t enjoy it at all. I was mad at Katie and guilty about what I said at the same time.

I didn’t speak to Katie until almost Christmas of seventh grade. She said she was sorry for being a jerk about me and Sarah being friends. I said I was sorry for getting so mad at her. And just like that, we were friends again. But to me, it was never the same.

Sarah wasn’t so excited that Katie and I were friends. I thought things were going to get better, but they got a lot worse.

I was standing on the lunch line with Katie one day. It felt good to be talking with her like the old days. I realized I wanted to be friends again; I just didn’t want to be close and have problems start up again.

I said bye to Katie and walked over to sit at the table I usually sat at, with Sarah. I sat down and she continued to look down at the table.

“What’s wrong?” I finally asked, even though I was guessing it had something to do with Katie.

She didn’t say anything for a moment and then said, finally “You were talking with Katie on the lunch line and you didn’t even say hi to me or anything.”

I didn’t get what the big deal was. But I tried to put myself in her shoes and I knew it must be hard for her because she was probably worried that Katie could split us apart. I felt bad and, again, I wasn’t sure what to do.

The next day I waited with Katie on the lunch line again. It was the only time I saw her in the day. I knew Sarah was going to be mad again. I glanced over to where she was. She was looking down at the table.

Part of me hurt for her. I wanted to be friends with Sarah forever. She was the closest I’ve ever felt to a friend. If I knew our friendship would end that day, I would have done something. And today, I wish more than anything that I would have done something differently that day. But I didn’t know. I wasn’t thinking about how much Sarah impacted my life, or how good of a friend she was to me.

When I was off the line, I looked at Sarah and wondered what I should say to her. I wondered if she knew all the things I was going through or how I felt.

“Wanna sit with me and Joy and Pearl?” Katie asked.

I could sit with the girl who cried with me, who laughed with me, and who felt me like no other person. Or I could sit with a friend who was dishonest to me since the day she met me.

I made the wrong decision. While I was sitting with Katie, I couldn’t help but glance over my shoulder at Sarah. She was sitting alone. I knew I hurt her. I was so guilty for that.

I never spoke to Sarah since that day. I never really got close to Katie. I know I never will. Although we talk sometimes on the bus, I don’t really want to be her friend. I want to be friends with Sarah, the girl who I’ve shared real laughs with, and who understood me better than anyone in the world.

You can always look back on your life and wish you’ve done things differently. You can dwell on the past. This is what I have done for too much time now. I’m going to make the future better, and focus on what’s in front of me rather than the past.

The other thing I’ve learned is to never take friends for granted. Without friends, the world would be an awful place. The next time I fight with a friend, or anyone, I’m going to put myself in their shoes and learn what it’s like in their situation.

If I had known this before, I would still have Sarah.

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krarthurs said...
May 30, 2011 at 10:32 pm
This is a sad story, but I liked it. It really addresses the importance of thinking before acting and appreciating what you have. Good job.
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