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I am watching. I am watching, hearing, seeing, and feeling it happen. And yet I am not changing it. I am not shouting or moving or warning or stopping. I am frozen.
My forehead is leaning against the cold window glass, I had been watching for his car, waiting. He is ten minutes late, then fifteen, then twenty. And I am still watching. Finally I see him. Finally I see him and instantly I know. I see his red Mazda turn the corner, make the right and cruise down my street and I can’t explain it but it’s then that I know. And it’s then that I’m frozen.
Out of nowhere, the blue sports car comes speeding down my street. He is entirely unaware of its’ existence, probably preoccupied with getting to me as soon as possible so he can explain his lateness, apologize. And all I can think as I watch his Mazda and the blue sports car get closer and closer is No, let me apologize. I am the one who is watching this and doing nothing, I am the one who can stop it, can save your life.

I am shaking. Shaking as his car is beaten to a meaningless pulp by the zooming blue sports car, shaking as I feel every emotion except surprise.
I am watching. Watching as a neighbor runs out and frantically calls the cops, I am watching as the driver of the blue sports car, drunk, hobbles out of his car with nothing but a limp to show for it. I am watching the ambulances and cop cars appear out of thin air, I am watching from my post at the window. I have lost track of time and space and emotion and reality. I am watching him die.

I am sitting. Sitting in front of his grave and wondering. Wondering whether he’s forgiven me, whether he’s watching me, whether he knows, whether he’s angry. Wondering when and how and why and where he is. Hoping it’s better than here, but knowing it’s not. I am crying. Uncontrollably crying, each slow tear that drops from my pale face is a testament to him, to his bravery, to his kindness, to our love.

I am sorry.



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Missundrstoodx2 said...
Jan. 2, 2012 at 3:45 am
your repetition of words adds to the effect of your frantic, frazzled, chaotic mindset. it makes me read faster, makes me nervous, makes me more able to understand. I often have this fear where I am in the back of a car and I see an oncoming vehicle heading my way, but cannot say anything. I open my mouth but there are no words; speechless, useless. for you I wish this were a dream, but it's not your fault. know that. best of luck to you
 
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