Fears

February 25, 2010
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There are so many things is this world that make us afraid; sharks, snakes, spiders, death, God, the next-door neighbor’s dog, whiteness, darkness, ghosts, and guns. None of these are wrong, taboo, strange, or foreign. With fear all around us, it is no wonder that the human race created worry, pain, and ignorance. Worry is an emotion that only exists because humans created it. It is a way for people be afraid without having to actually have anything to fear, for it is apparent that humans need fear to survive. If nothing was frightening then motivation and attention to detail would not exist and we would all be monkies following our noses to the closest cranberry bush. Instead, we innately fear. We fear illiteracy, this is why we learn; we fear judgment, this is why we wear clothes; we fear chaos, this is why we encourage government. Pain is the result of our fears coming true. Always. If the thing we fear comes into fruition, the outcome will always be pain: physical, emotional, spiritual. There are so many things to fear that often times we chose ignorance to take the place of worry. The mention of ignorance brings me to the second heaviest fear that I have: stupidity, ignorance, and unawareness. I often feel that the worst possible fact I could know about any subject is no fact at all. This fear, like all others, is my motivation. Because I am so frightened of ignorance and blissful stupidity, I actively put an effort into knowing anything I can, taking the most difficult classes I can, thinking aloud and to myself constantly, and surrounding myself with people who constantly challenge me, inform me, and share my fear. It would seem that this fear produces a positive result; I wish that were so. I am haunted by this fear. It is constantly hovering over my aching brain striking the unfortunate organ with fantastic lightning bolts that cause panic and anxiety. I need knowledge, like an addiction. Without it I am afraid I would not function.

I feel that this fear is not one that might break loose; meaning, I do not anticipate any sudden mental handicap. There is, however, my number one, all time fear: loneliness. Even sitting here writing I can feel a weight pressing down deeply on my heart. This is because I am physically alone. Emotionally I have friends and relatives that I know are there for me. There is at least that comfort. But I always have the fear of waking in the morning to find that all of my friends no longer want to be around me. I can feel the fear as I walk down the hallways and the pressure of the congestion puts me into a panic, my eyes darting frantically to find a friend. I need companionship. I am so horrible at being by myself. If I never had to sleep alone, I never would. Not because I fear the dark, monsters, or the outside world, just because I know that if someone is sleeping next to me, I am not alone. If I am with friends, I know that there are still people who care about me, want to be with me, and like me. I suppose that everyone has that fear. But I cannot help but to think that the extent to which my fear reaches is so far beyond the norm that it is considered a psychological problem. “Problem” is a strong word, but I think that I, of all people, can be hard on myself. I fear loneliness; I fear friendlessness; I fear life where there is only me.





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