As a child I saw little girls who held their dad’s hand when they walked. I always had a father, of course, but when I started to grow older around 13 years old I realized how my dad was barely in my life. He still lived with me and provided for me and I know he loves me but I still feel an empty spot. You make me be in a religion I am not sure about and if I go against you try and stop me. You make decisions for me and don’t give me any freedom. You tell me not to sin but you your self sin. What is sin? You go to work early and come home late. I was okay with that until I found out you didn’t work the whole time. You would go to the gym or go where ever you went, I don’t know. But when you do come home you sit in front of the computer or video. I don’t get to talk to you openly and honestly. I always have to hide the fact that I don’t believe in what you believe in. I suffer because I feel your don’t let me think the way I want to. I feel suffocated and burdened by hiding and not letting you know me. I can’t trust you because I am of afraid that what I will tell you will take action into stopping me believe or feel that way. And when I did tell you I felt you weren’t there you started acting different. You act fake, its not you. You say that when I was little you always hung out with me and I wonder why you stopped. I cry a lot because of you and I feel like I have to be my own father. I have to be my own discipliner. I feel weak not having you there when the rest of my friends talk to their dads. I feel bitter that right at this moment you are at work and I am at home. You will come home tonight and not talk to me. I cant even remember you ever saying I love you and now when I give you a hug it is forced. And on holidays I act like everything is alright because I know if I say anything my family will tell me to shut up. People tell me I am lucky to have a dad and I do feel that. I may be complaining and sound like a brat. But deep down inside it’s like I don’t have a father. It hurts me. I feel like screaming on top of my lungs how I want a father but you are old now and I wish you to feel no regret.
November 19, 2009