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I Want Out

They tell me that I am so young, that I have my whole life a head of me. They tell me that if I finish school and go to college, I can have a good future. They tell me if I study hard and make good grade, I can be that one in a million that succeeds in life. They tell me so much but yet they dont see me... All of this preparing is going towards the furture but what about right now? Not everyone has tomorrow, we are only garenteed today. So all of this preparing may make my life better for the future but what if I died tomorrow? I would hate to think that I waisted my life trying to be something that they wanted me to be. I want out.

Since even before freshmen year I have been suffering from mild depression, when my grandmother died, it got worse.The blackest, the coldest depression. Sometimes I have control and can overcome the dictating thoughts. Sometimes I feel as though I never had depression... But when I cant control it, thats when I am at my worse. I hurt. I hurt from emotional pain and deep in my mind I beg it to be physical pain because at least that will heal. With time even the scar will fade. I scream. I scream because I cant wake up. I live everyday the exact same way. Its as if I am waiting to be another victim of a nightmare. I want out.
I sleep in a room that was once my grandmothers. I can often hear sounds that are so similar to her. Haunting? Maybe. Insane? More likely. I can not escape thoughts of her and I can not escape everyone else. You must walk through my room to get to my sister's room. You must walk to get to the kitchen. Even my parent's room is right next to my own. Its as if the door is always open and I beg it to be shut. I want to be alone. I want out.
School is even worse. The loud voices, the lectures that have no relavance to my future. The stupidity of students. The rule book that is so demeaning and obviously favors a certain group of students over another. The dress code, that forces me to not be me. To be more like what they want me to be. The classes I suffer in. My mind not on the lesson but on the lie. I smile. Make sure no one knows. I hide within my thoughts and pretend to be just like everyone else in the class room but I'm not. I am in pain. I hurt. I miss a lot of school days for being sick. Physically sick and emotionally sick. Sick of it all. Everyday at this school makes my depression worse. Its almost as If I can see me losing a battle right before my eyes. School is a place to learn. But this place of education just makes me grow more fond of death. I want out.

I am such a good actress that no one knows. I look strong. Happy. Always smiling but inside I am hiding. I hide in the dark corners within my mind, surrounded by darkness, under the covers of shelter, deep within my thoughts of dreamland feeling but nightmare screaming. I want out.....can you hear the screaming? I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

For once in my life, dont tell me my whole life is a head of me. Just help me get out.





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