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The Ache In My Heart
I was hidden underneath the covers, the smell of tide whirling around my sheets traveling through my nose and mouth. I cough, but a couple times, choking on my own salty tears. My knees are to my chest and my hands are tightly held around my legs, my head resting on my knees. I try to calm down, but that only increases my breathing, which increases the tears and heart beating. I squeak and mumble to myself my own lullaby. Singing and trying to process other thoughts than what I was thinking. My heart burns as if it was on fire, the prickling feeling traveling among my skin, making me itch for the truth. I burn for love, I burn for hate, and I burn for the secret I cannot tell.
When people tell me things, I don’t realize how much of an impact it has on me, until later on. Only because I don’t try to think about, I don’t want to think about it. I rather go on and live a normal life, than have to think of something that could ruin me forever. This divorce, being that it could tare me apart, bit by bit, as if I were some type of cheap toy that you could play with and throw out whenever you felt like it. I don’t like to show my feelings that much either, people can hardly tell what really goes on in my life, only because I like to keep things inside me, for that is where they shall stay.
So, when mamma called me down, I hastily wiped away my tears, did my hair and put on a mask. My mask being a smile and brave eyes, a face my mom would want to see. Inside, though, I had a frown and sad drowsy eyes. I had to act, act so that my mom wouldn’t have to worry about me too. When I came downstairs, you would never have guessed that I was crying up in my room for about 2 hours. Mamma on the other hand, had ruby eyes and a scarlet nose. Her skin looked pale, as if she hasn’t had sunlight in years, while her hands were vibrating among the glass pan. We were having steak tonight.
“Anissia.” She whispered it softly, any lower and it would have been another wisp of the wind.
“Yes.” My voice was strong and firm, unlike two minutes ago.
“Could you get the seasonings I need for the steak?” She cracked. I quickly nodded my head; I wanted to get out of here quickly before she cried. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to comfort my mom; it was just that I didn’t want to cry with her. I didn’t want her to see that I was weak. I had to be the strong one now in this family, or everything would fall apart.
As I handed her the ingredients, I could hear the sniffling of snot running up her nose. It was disgusting, but it made me want to cry. To know of the pain dad has put mamma through, wasn’t something I could even curse on my worse enemy. I handed her the seasonings watching as her trembling hand took the ingredients from my fingers. I tried to get a glimpse into her eyes, to see what she was really thinking. My grandpa once told me that if you stare into someone eyes you see into their soul. But all I saw was nothing. As if her soul was empty, was dark, was not there. I didn’t know what to say so I just left after that, my heart pounding in my chest.
I sat against my wall, and glared at the clock. It was 6:00, about the time when dad entered the garage, his music blasting up anybody’s ears 5 miles away giving him a grand entrance. Thinking of him made me breathe harder, so I pounded my head against the white wall. I covered my mouth before I let out a high screech; as if I was bleeding to death. It just hurt so much; I didn’t know how I could get through home and school, not to mention life itself. Outside of my room I faked. I acted, making everyone think I was ok, when deep down inside, I felt torn apart. As if I did not have a heart, or no soul to carry on. I was just so scarred. So scarred of what the future may bring.
Jason banged into my door. I watched as the golden handle smashed into the opposite wall. Me being me, I started to get angry. I hated when people forgot to knock before entering a room. “Jason, don’t you knock.” I wanted it to sound mean and demanded. But instead it sounded cracked and hurt, as if I was hiding some hidden pain.
“Are mommy and daddy really breaking apart?” He asked. By the look in his eyes I could tell he didn’t want to believe it.
“Stay behind that door.” My voice again did not sound as strong as I thought it would. I rubbed my eyeballs quickly and hard. I didn’t want him to see me crying especially, I wanted him to know he had someone to count on. Someone who didn’t show any weakness when life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to go.
“Come here. Ya, bighead, mom and dad are getting a divorce.” And like a tiger crying out for his mom, Jason let out a wail. He cried and cried, not stopping but to choke on tears or snuffle up snot. I held out my hands, shushing him. He walked over to me, and crawled into my arms.
“Shhhhh, Jason. Everything is going to be ok. I know right now it doesn’t seem to make sense, but in time we will see where this road will take us.” I said rocking him back and forth. He gently quiet down, his fingers wrapping around mines. As if asking me if I would ever let go, I squeezed his hand back, telling him I would stay with him through everything.
This little moment was going great, until Jason snot he was trying to sniff up his nose landed on me instead. “Eeeee Jason, why don’t you use a tissue?” I asked, taking his sleeve and wiping his boogies off my arm. “And I didn’t even have a long sleeve shirt on, Jason. Uhhhhhh!” Jason just laughed, and got up from my arms. His hand in my hand as we walked downstairs toward the scent of delicious steak, and halfway burnt broccoli, both of us having nothing but smiles on our faces. Everything may be horrible now, but in time, I knew, the light will travel it's way through the darkness and everything in our life would be ok.