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Fifty Reasons to Live This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

By , Cabot, AR
A few years ago, when I was 14, I didn't want to live anymore. It all seemed so hopeless. Everything. I remember.

The guidance counselor had thrown me out of her office. That doesn't happen to normal people. Normal people go to the counselor and get the help they need. I was too messed up to be helped, too messed up to put up with it anymore.

No one could have suspected something was wrong with me. I had always been the clown in my social circle. Clowns don't cry.

But I did.
Even at the community theater, the only place that gave me moments of happiness. Something about the darkness did it. Sometimes I would sit on the floor between the curtains and just let the tears flow. It was easy when I was a stagehand. No one could even see me, garbed in black, hiding within the black curtains with the lights off.

I was invisible. And no one ever knew.

Then things started to get really bad. My grades fell. I spent more and more time by myself after school. I was living in Germany on a stupid army base. There was nothing more isolating than spotting someone I knew every time I left the house. I always had to be on my best behavior. I had to keep looking over my shoulder. I couldn't let up, because they couldn't know the truth. There was no sanctuary. Fear was my cage. The bars were cold, black, unbreakable. I was inside.

And I was alone.

One night I took out a piece of paper and a pen to write the first draft of a suicide note. Of course I would do it in drafts; personality quirks don't just disappear, even in times of extreme hopelessness.

I touched my pen to the paper but couldn't write. Words wouldn't come; my pen wouldn't form them. Instead I took a deep breath and wrote something entirely different.

50 Reasons to Live

1. My family would miss me.

2. My friends would miss me.

3. I want to grow up to be something.

4. I want a chance to change the world.

5. I want to go on a date.

6. Old people get discounts.

7. All that dirt on top of my coffin would be ­really heavy.

8. I would never find out who won “American Idol.”

9. When Bush leaves the presidency, I want to throw a party.

10. The afterlife seems scary.

11. I really need to pass gym class.

12. I wouldn't get to pick the clothes they'd bury
­me in.

13. Katie doesn't have the guts to be the big sister.

14. Mom and Dad would have to start paying babysitters without me.

15. Funerals are expensive.

16. I would miss fudge brownies.

17. I need a haircut.

18. I want to learn to drive.

19. I want to be old enough to legally drink.

20. I have heard it's a real shame to die a virgin.

21. I don't want to die before my virtual pet.

22. No one would be around to clean out my closet.

23. The world needs my help.

24. At this point, things can only get better.

25. Just as I don't want to lose the people close to me, they don't want to lose me.

26. I want to at least earn a high school diploma.

27. I'd like a college diploma too.

28. There might not be chocolate in heaven (assuming there is one and I go there).

29. You can't eat ice cream in hell (assuming there is one and I go there).

30. Life shouldn't just be thrown away.

31. I want to know who gets killed next on “Lost.”

32. A teacher I had once said, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

33. People don't reach their life quotas until at least age 87.

34. With my luck, I'll probably have a winning lottery ticket in my pocket when I go.

35. Even if my life is not important to me, it's probably important to someone.

36. The seventh Harry Potter book hasn't come ­out yet.

37. If God is real, I picture him to be a lot like that kid sitting on an anthill burning ants with a magnifying glass, and I'm not real excited about meeting him.

38. A lot of people deserve to die more than I do.

39. Claustrophobics and coffins don't mix.

40. I don't want to choose the day of my death.

41. I hear senior year of high school is pretty fun.

42. It would really suck to attempt to harm myself and end up surviving anyway.

43. Maybe there's someone out there who understands.

44. They need me at the theater to do those tricky scene changes.

45. No one else has half the sense to edit that stupid school newspaper but me.

46. I would really miss science class.

47. I refuse to become a statistic.

48. I want a chance to do something stupid at ­graduation.

49. Life can change, but death is pretty absolute.

50. There is always a reason to live.

I couldn't write a suicide note. And I couldn't commit suicide without writing one. So I didn't die. We moved away from that army base, but I wasn't fixed.

I started my sophomore year of high school no less messed up than I had been the previous year. I was just stuck in a writer's block.

*
*
*
*

They saved me. They changed me.

I told my English teacher first. Fighting against all my mental conditioning, I let the words out. And she didn't hate me. She didn't kick me out of her room. She gave me a hug. I cried and cried that night, but I wasn't crying out of hopelessness this time.

My history teacher was next, much later in the year. I had begun to think that maybe the English teacher was a weird exception to the rule, that no one else would react like she did. But the history teacher didn't hate me. She didn't throw me out of her room.

She put a hand on my shoulder and smiled gently, reassuringly. Maybe
the guidance counselor had been the ­exception.

My cage opened. They reached in and helped me step out, guiding me with kindness and advice. Together we walked out of the darkness, out of the gloom, away from the depression and into the light. They urged me to look up at the sky, the azure, expansive wonder rolling out over my head. Look up and beyond, they said, look at your future, see where you can go. They took my hands, ruffled my hair, smiled and nudged me forward. Never stop moving, they said, never allow cages to hold you, never stop dreaming, never stop making your dreams come true.

This was what I had almost missed out on, what I had almost left behind with reckless abandon – love, in all of its blinding singularity, going on forever right in the place I had never thought to look.

I wiped my eyes and looked up. Love was there, just as tangible as the two people who had led me
to it.

*
*
*
*

I keep my failed suicide note inside my sophomore yearbook, which I asked both teachers to sign. The paper is wrinkled and torn. The folds are deep. My handwriting is illegible in some parts, but I know what it says because I committed every word to memory as I wrote it.

It is a token from a place I will never return to. It is proof that I survived. It is something born from the darkness that helped lead me to the light. It is a piece of writing that I unfold and reread on cloudy days to remind me that the sun will always return with the morning light.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.





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This article has 40 comments. Post your own!

gospelspreader said...
Mar. 25 at 10:24 pm:
I want to personally commend you for not ending your life. I am soldier myself who is in the Army and have felt many dark days in my life. A permanent soution to a vonurabel situation seems pleasing at times. TO do the hard right over the easy wrong is always difficult and I commend you for saving many people the greif of losing a wonderful person. I have good news for you tonight. Those what if statements no longer need be a what if. Heaven is real and hell is real as well. Jesus the lord and... (more »)
 
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Ed mx said...
Mar. 9 at 7:39 pm:
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. I hope you are doing great right now!! Thanks for not giving up 
 
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Sara said...
Feb. 20 at 12:00 am:
Thanks. Just, thank you for sharing this. You have no idea what you just did. I know. You changed me. You saved my life tonight. Thank you. I owe you.
 
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ashle said...
Oct. 24, 2013 at 9:31 pm:
I remember that army base in Germany. I lived there to a couple of years back. I remember how everyone in that community knew each other.
 
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cowgirl4everThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 11, 2013 at 3:38 pm:
This is so well written and relatable, as I went through a depression! Excellent writing and I hope you are doing well!
 
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ramfthomas4This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 30, 2013 at 1:55 pm:
This is inspiring for everyone and a great reminder that everyone has a purpose.  Keep writing!! <3
 
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missm1126 said...
May 23, 2013 at 5:43 pm:
I love this! It feels so genuine. "You can't eat ice cream in hell," is pretty much the only reason I need. :) Keep it up!
 
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Sparkle1popsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 26, 2013 at 9:12 pm:
hehehe I couldn't help laughing even though it was a suicide note XD It was sooooooo great! I really think i can cope with you. Sometimes I feel depressed but reading articles like this is what keeps me going :) Thank you!
 
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SallySunshine said...
Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:57 am:
I dont like to die because in hell no Vadav Pav is served.
 
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FaeNotMyNameThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:25 pm:
My favorite is "I don't want to die before my virtual pet" I love this. Thank you.
 
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Aeliss-Novak-the-Zombie-Space-PirateThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 1, 2012 at 6:14 pm:
YES YES YES YES! I wish more people would see that things get better.
 
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KatsviewThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm:
Great job!!!! Seriously, this is really great, and inspiring, (and I must say I love how you sat down to write your suicide letter in drafts) and this shows how you can still have/find/maintain hope even when contemplating killing yourself, and you cared enough about life to turn away from the deep abyss that many others can't. but maybe this will change that. great job!
 
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friel said...
Feb. 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm:
I can't believe how she went through this. This had to be so hard for her.
 
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writerfreak21231This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 13, 2012 at 4:06 pm:
this almost made me cry, then I read the rest! This was simply amazing! Good job and great reasons. :)(:
 
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sally sunshine2 said...
Dec. 15, 2011 at 11:52 am:
beans kid JOSH THE MAN!!!
 
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mightierthanthesword said...
Nov. 24, 2011 at 6:07 pm:
Simply amazing! You are a great writer. This really captures the feeling that so many, including myself, have felt. Inspiring, astounding, incredible. Please keep writing!
 
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Amelia said...
Nov. 24, 2011 at 3:48 pm:
This is fantastic, I love it!
 
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TheWhiteFlower said...
Nov. 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm:
this is really great
 
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TaurusGal This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 4, 2011 at 11:06 pm:
I have always thought of killing myself. Thinking how easy it is to just escape all the problems in the world. However, the 50 reasons to live made me realize that I have reasons to live too. My parents and friends will be miserable if I just leave like this. Anyway, I think this article is very meaningful and profound indeed. Excellent work. =]
 
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flywithme93 said...
Oct. 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm:
Wow!!!!!!!! I cant believe how deeply beautiful this is!!!!!!!!! Wow, u r talented. Thank you for writing this :) It'll touch ppl's hearts
 
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