Age 13

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At the age of 13 my life had become my worst nightmare. My “friends” began to ignore my existence, my family resented me more and more as everyday passed by and I found myself with no place to go or no one to turn to. I would dread waking up in the morning to this despicable world. I would look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, who is that girl who took over my life? What happened to the little 12 year old girl who had friends? The voice in my head said “She’s gone and not coming back,” The one thing that seemed to be the answer to the problem, the problem being me, was to take my existence away from the world.

My problems didn’t just start at my turning 13, no, they started when I was much younger. When I was younger I was scolded for crying at pain, I was yelled at constantly by people right after they would say “I love you,” I was called “worthless” “pain in the neck” and many other names. After being told this, it was set in my head forever more, killing my self confidence. I also had an extreme amount of trust in people when I was younger, I would believe anything a person would tell me right then and there. As I grew older, people betrayed me almost everyday. And with that, my trust in humans was gone as well.

When I turned 13 everything became even more complicated to understand. The fact my parents couldn’t stand me made my life even more unbearable. I came to a point in my life where I was so miserable everyday, I was making myself physically sick. My parents began to think something was mentally wrong with me, landing me in therapy. Since I had a terrible time trusting my therapist due to my lack of trust in people in general I put on a happy-go-lucky persona but inside I was in my own little world crying. I would think about the options at home to take away the pain, but I never seemed to think they would take the pain away, but only add more.

Before I knew it, I had lost more friends, more trust, and much more self confidence. My friends would argue with me saying I had to get over myself that I had nothing wrong in my life. Just hearing them say that pushed me even farther into my little world since they didn’t believe me. They believed me to be conceited and all I wanted was attention so I would make these things up. I gave up on them and put on the act for them as well. I knew I couldn’t last like this forever, and then everything finally changed.

I took up the hobby of costuming a few years before everything had changed in my life. I dropped the hobby for sometime, but as I wanted to escape from the real world more then once I picked it up again. Through costuming I met someone who I at first idolized since her costumes were gorgeous, but as time went on she has become the reason I can control my life somewhat better.

Meeting Ari drastically changed my life. Her personality, her opinions and just her as a person changed me. I had thought she would be just like the others, the ones who would make me cry. I put on the act for her, but only in the beginning. I would act hyper, happy and just your typical 13 year old as some would call it. But as I got to know Ari more, something about her broke me down. I couldn’t act anymore. I couldn’t fight myself anymore and I feared that would make her despise me.

I began to ask her advice on simple things, but as time went on those simple things turned into my full problems being exposed. To my surprise she didn’t turn away from me, she was always there through everything I had a problem with. But the closer I got to her, the more I feared she would leave me behind like so many others had done. My past was what was keeping me from getting any closer to her. More then once I had cried myself to sleep in fear of losing her. She told me she loved me, but I couldn’t accept her words, more like, I was scared to accept her words.

There was one day I had been threatened to where I could never speak to Ari again, the first thing I did was run to my room and picked up my phone to call her. I was hoping she would pick up, but I was glad she didn’t. I was in tears telling her that if by chance I would never talk to her again, I loved her like my big sister and that I was more then glad I met her. Surprised by what I had done, I began to realize that I trusted someone for once and that I was happy to have someone in my life.

The more time is spend with Ari, the more I laugh and smile. I began to learn how to love and trust again. The girl who was sitting in her little world crying was found by someone who cared and wanted to help. I owe my life to Ari, I owe her so much that I cannot re-pay her in anyway except smile and be happy around her, and don’t act happy when I am not around her. Without Ari, I have no idea where I would be, if I would even still be here, but I believe that Ari is my guardian angel and I cannot live without her.

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silence-is-loud said...
Apr. 18, 2011 at 9:07 pm
this was beautiful... you should show Ari this story. :)
 
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