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Hopelessly Addicted This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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Why is it that no matter how incredibly hard I try to point myself in the right direction, I end up exactly where I started? It’s like a never-ending cycle of failure. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to try if nothing ever comes from it. The last few years have been extremely chaotic and frustrating; from friends ­dying, to my coke addiction, to running away, life has taken a huge toll on me. I have had nothing but horrible events, one after another. But my biggest struggle has been my addiction; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I realize that many people think the life of an ­addict is easy – we just sit around all day getting money off of people and scoring a high. Do you ­really think it’s all fun and games? Or that we want our addictions to run our lives? My addiction, anyway, was ­anything but easy.

The days were long and endless when I couldn’t buy coke. I would spend between $40 and $100 a day, just on me. My weekly debt was only $60 when I first started. I was not ­using that much back then, but that changed when my boyfriend broke up with me. Then my dealer, who happened to be my best friend, started giving me coke for free.

Soon I couldn’t go a day without it. The white powder lifted into my nasal passages with ease. I took line after line into my body, hoping I could block everything out of my mind. My mind quickly relaxed, my heart raced, and my hands shook, but everything was good. I was happy – for the 10 ­minutes the high lasted. Then I’d do another line. Eventually my friend cut me off and tried to talk me into getting help, so I cut him out of my life.

With no coke in my system, I became angry, an­grier than I had ever been. My body shook for no reason. I was irritable and distant. I couldn’t think of anything but coke. I wanted it all to stop – to go back to the way things had been before I started. I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to have to sneak out of my house and score in alleys with money I stole from a sleeping homeless guy. My life was out of my control and I would have done anything to get it back, but my body wouldn’t let me. I was lost.

Just when things were starting to improve and I was finally getting my life under control, I ran away. I met lots of new people who quickly ­became friends; they were either runaways or dropouts pushing 30, but they were all addicts. Our apartment had one bedroom with nine people in it. They took care of me. They fed me, bought me clothes, a toothbrush, and whatever I needed, as well as kept me safe and ­hidden from the cops.

Then one day I overdosed. It was like any other night at the apartment. A bunch of us decided we wanted to party somewhere else. One of my friends offered his mom’s house since she was out of town. We all hopped into cars, and on the way we stopped to buy some coke.

When we arrived the house was dark and music was blasting in the living room. I headed straight for the bathroom to get high. Everyone was dancing and drinking and laughing and having fun. That’s when I made more bad decisions. A friend took a “donation” from everyone and showed up an hour later with ­ecstasy pills. I took two.

I started to feel faint and collapsed. My friends carried me to a bedroom and put me on the bed. ­After I convinced them that I was okay, a friend helped me up and made me promise not to do any more drugs.

I promised, of course, but seven lines of coke later I was stumbling down the hall, falling every few feet. I ended up hot and shaking on the bathroom tile with four “friends” gathered around me while the others waited nervously outside. My entire body shook ­uncontrollably, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt as if I were suffocating and had no ­control over my body. The feeling was almost indescribable; an overdose is one of the worst feelings ever. I was scared. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open but couldn’t. My friends took turns pouring water on me to cool me down while the others tried to keep me awake.

Even after that I still didn’t stop using for another three weeks. And even though I was able to stop ­before I ruined my life completely, I still wake up in the middle of the night craving coke, almost ­tasting the drip in the back of my throat.

I ask myself every day how I let myself get ad­dicted. Truth be told, no answer ever seems reason enough. Yet here I am, a year and a half sober. Drugs are the biggest demon any person can face. Once this demon is in your life, it’s hard to break free. It takes control of you, of your life, and pulls you down before you realize what is happening.

Escaping is an ongoing battle I’ll face every day for the rest of my life. I made the choice to quit on my own, without rehab or counseling. I relied only on my family, my closest friends, and myself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Long, sleepless nights, mood swings, huge fits over nothing – I was on an emotional roller coaster and was a complete wreck. I know that those who were there for me had an equally troublesome time.

Though I am now a recovered addict, if I could make the choice over, I would have asked for help. Being with someone who had experienced with what I was going through would have been a relief and therapeutic. I was hesitant about completing this ­article; this private part of my life will be out there for anyone to read. It scared me. I then thought, Would I have felt so alone then if I knew what ­someone else had gone through?

I no longer feel the need to turn to this demon in my times of pain and confusion. However, I often ­reflect on that time in my life.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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This article has 132 comments. Post your own!

thea D. said...
Jun. 8, 2009 at 12:09 am:
wow! that sent a strong message. u have amazing writing.
 
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Tashan said...
May 21, 2009 at 7:45 pm:
I am really glad you put this out for others to read. I started dabbling in to seriou drugs a while ago, and I have to say that they scared me so bad I quit before things got too serious. And for those of you who say "I am never going to do frugs", good for you, but saying it doesnt make it true. It is so easy to get sucked into that, even when you have everything in life
 
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millz said...
May 19, 2009 at 2:02 pm:
Wow. you are a very good writer and a strong person to overcome something like that. WTG!! Im NEVER gonna start drugs
 
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daisydee123 said...
May 3, 2009 at 4:06 pm:
WOW this story is a great one what i love is that its a lesson , i will never do drugs we all learn that peer pressure is real and so are drugs but you dont know how hard it is until you are face to face with it, you really grasped the emotions and feelings i felt as if i were you hopelessly addicted.
 
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loveme-or-hate93 said...
Apr. 12, 2009 at 12:38 am:
wow ur a vry strong rl ta hve kicked da habit n ta publish this i remember a couple yrz bak my frnd went throuight the same thing rite after i left the school i waz at ta go to an alternative skool she went through sum really hard tymz but not only waz she addicted ta coke but weed n drinking az well stealing carz a hole nine dhe ened up ina rehab place cuz she waz forced to but i understand y she did it cuz i sumtymz turn to it az well wen i cant deal wit nymor juz 2 escape ive bin clean myself... (more »)
 
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NikkiRottenx3 said...
Apr. 5, 2009 at 1:27 pm:
You're very strong and I'm very glad you quit. You are very brave as well. I used to be addicted too, but not as addicted as you were, I quit two months ago without help. Congrats on quitting. Remember to talk about it, don't keep it all bottled up inside of you. :)
 
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runswiththevampires said...
Apr. 4, 2009 at 2:42 pm:
i learned recently about coke and such drugs.this was a very great essay.kudos on the quiting it must have been hard for u to put this out in the open.
 
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courtney1215 said...
Mar. 15, 2009 at 10:37 pm:
i love this passage so much.. putting this out into the world wasprobably very hard for you. but you probably helped others, you taught others something and you should be very proud of that
 
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goonie91 said...
Feb. 21, 2009 at 3:15 am:
Your a very good writer. You use very good punctuation. Your story is really good. I first started to read it and you were talking about how you were addicted to coke. I thought, coke. That is not such a strange addiction. Were all addicted to it. I have not drank any in a while, I thought you meant Coke-Cola because I live in the South and we call it coke down here, and then I started to read on, and you said you were snorting up the white powder, and I thought what white powder. But I realized... (more »)
 
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YouAreMyHero said...
Feb. 13, 2009 at 3:30 pm:
wow if i went through half of those things i don't think i could servive your a strong person and i most sertainly hope you stay clean!
 
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shaanshoayb said...
Feb. 10, 2009 at 9:46 pm:
I liked your story. I do agree with you. Drugs are hard to overcome.
 
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iIScoolandattractivelysmelly said...
Jan. 29, 2009 at 7:21 pm:
deeep. (:
i feel for you and im proud you got over that. you shouldn't have taken so much though, just a little hahaha :D
 
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bffls said...
Jan. 29, 2009 at 6:32 pm:
this is one of the most interesting writings we have ever read because it is about you and not about the country.
we are very glad that you have recovered from you addiction, you are a very strong person giving up drugs is hard. and we hope you dont give into it again.
<3 anuja and daisy
 
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123jps said...
Jan. 29, 2009 at 2:38 pm:
Nice job quitting.
 
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sinner666 said...
Jan. 27, 2009 at 11:39 pm:
i know thatcoming from me this wont sound like much but what you did was amazing
 
ZCmusiclover replied...
Aug. 2, 2010 at 1:13 am :
I'm really glad that somebody had the guts to write about this online. I was 14 and I was addicted to coke, i also quit by myself, after almost killing myself. it was the most difficult thing in my life, physically and psychologically.  I never want to go back, but at night, I too sometimes wake up, craving it, that bitter sweet drip at the back of my throat. Thank you for writing this.
 
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bored_out_of_mind said...
Jan. 27, 2009 at 11:11 pm:
wowowow. u r like, my inspiration 4 bein brave enuff 2 publish that!! i am so happy it got in the magazine it is really good writing and its an inspiration
 
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StayStrong said...
Jan. 25, 2009 at 8:18 pm:
I'm proud of you for quitting.
You are too good to rely on drugs.
Turn to God, and he'll lead you far away from all that. He'll forgive you all of your past problems and you won't have to worry about it, you won't have to think back to drugs to make you feel better. Turn to him.
Thanks for sharing. Gives me more reasons to "say no". I really appreciate it.
Ps-If you want, go on youtube and listen to Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. It reminds me of this. It's perf... (more »)
 
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lil_love said...
Jan. 22, 2009 at 5:10 pm:
wooooow dats deep and vary brave.your like my hero now. for wut u did
 
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OneStepAtATime said...
Jan. 19, 2009 at 9:38 pm:
Very nice. I too have overcome my addiction, I just got out of a 15 month Rehab facility called Teen Challenge. Im so glad you posted this story up here it really opens up peoples eyes on what its like.Your very strong to share something this personal for alot of people to see. I too am very proud.
 
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