The Things I Never Told You

By
I love you.

More than anything in the world, this is the thing I cannot live another minute without telling you. This is the thing that has driven me to the extent of insanity just to keep myself from telling you. The mere thought of telling you this horrifies me, and yet it is the only thing I can think of. The mere thought of you knowing brings me great fear that you would feel the necessity of severing your ties with me, and yet beyond that what I feel, I want you to know.

I love you.

The words keep ringing in my head. Whenever we are together – in the times we would simply hang out, goof off and be friends, in times we eat together, or even in times piss each other off to the core, the words can’t get out of my mind. I used to laugh that you would feel so annoyed whenever I would stare into space devoid of anything you said. Just imagine if you knew what I was thinking then! I have thought of what your first reaction would have been, and believe me, every time I think about it is a moment of great confusion for me. Whenever we would talk about your many infatuations, I would always be more frustrated than envious, for I would have never forgiven myself if you had truly fallen in love with someone before I managed to pull my guts out and say it.

I love you.

For almost four years now, we have been the best of friends, and for four years now, I have always wanted to be more than a best friend. I wanted you so much for myself, I was always afraid of losing you, which was the primary reason for me backing out from pursuing you. And after all these years, you finally found someone you love more than whatever we had. I wallow painfully in regret that I have never told you, that I have failed to express my feelings. I failed to tell you how much I wanted you, how much I wanted to hear that you loved me back as much. I failed to tell you how I wanted to spend all the days of my life in your company, and share your happiness and miseries. Now I crush myself in grief for what I have lost, and fill myself with anger that I have let several eternities of opportunities pass.

I still love you.

But you belong to someone else now. I will always be here for you, waiting. But until the time you hurt again because of him, I can no longer tell you. It pains me to no end to feel so helpless, but for your happiness and my sanity, I will detach myself from my immense desire for you to love me. But one thing is for certain – I can never deny this one truth:

I love you.





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krazy_kracker_15 said...
Nov. 12, 2008 at 2:41 am
This is an absolutely superb article! I know exactly how you feel and you expressed it better than I EVER could. I'm sorry to hear someone else suffers the same pain as I do. I really am just dumbfounded by how much this represents my feelings as well. Thank you.
 
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