My Painting

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Some might find this thought somewhat abstract, irrational - or just plain stupid. But I personally enjoy the sentimental value that it brings to me.

I enjoy multiple identities. No, I don't mean fake ID's - don't worry! But I like to know that I could "create" a new personality that would just be my mind, and see what people's reactions might be.

When there's no awkward pauses, nervous questions, or prolonged conversations - all that's left are the words. I love the way my words can paint a picture. The flow is like the brushstrokes of a paintbrush on canvas. It's like when the brush is pressed against the fabric - running out of paint. You can see it for what it really is. See the true meaning - the passion behind it. You can read between the lines... But it's thin. I want to have the ability to paint with a paintbrush with an endless supply of paint. You'd still be able to see the brushstrokes, along with the color, the expression, the boldness, the direction - it would always be full and vibrant. Never dull.

That's my wish for my writing. To have the power to hook you into looking at it for hours on end - just like a very elaborate painting might do. A story that can hook your mind - no matter what type of reader you might be - and not let you go until it's finished. Until the paintbrush runs out of it's endless supply of paint, if you will. Afterall - the end is always the hardest part.

My writing is the only place I've left open for me to be myself 100%. With my friends, I'm as me as I can be in person. But I still hide certain parts about myself - never really letting anyone penetrate my shield. It's sad I know - but it's how I am. And I believe that no one will ever be able to break down my shield until I find a way in first.

The other day an acquaintance told me that he can see through people's shells. My reaction?

I don't have a shell. A shell would imply that I have a hard, protective safety net that would hide me and protect me in the worst of situations. What I have is not nearly as ideal. Mine is more like a silk sheet - it slides off easily when it can't deal with anything anymore. No more difficulties, arguments, fights..nothing. It's thin enough for anything to penetrate it's shield and harm me. It's not hard. It's not stable. And it's not permanent. But it does keep people from seeing the real me.

I have very strange outlooks on life. I'm afraid of people seeing the real me - yet I wish someone would come around and try. I want to know that there is someone out there that cares about me enough to spend their time with me - pulling off the invisibility cloak I wear often. Not so much socially, but mostly emotionally - however...this is also penetrable. All I needs is someone with perfect aim to come and find me.





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