Uses of Fruitcake (Besides Eating)

June 11, 2009
By Samantha Schaumberg SILVER, Green Bay, Wisconsin
Samantha Schaumberg SILVER, Green Bay, Wisconsin
9 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Many people, myself included, detest the lowly, holiday brick known as fruitcake. Seeing as how there are very few people willing to eat these tough pieces of “cake”, I have composed a list on what to do with an unwanted fruitcake.
Sleep with one under your pillow for self-defense
Use it as building material (perhaps follow the Ancient Egyptians and construct pyramids)
Save it for two years and see if it ever spoils
Use it as a paperweight
Give it to neighbors or friends (along with this list)
Feed it to a cat (then immediately hide, for the cat will want revenge)
Disguise it as a life preserver and give it to an enemy
Use it as a Frisbee
Set it next to a stubborn door that does not want to stay open
Light it on fire, place it in a medieval catapult, and fire it towards your enemy’s castle (fruitcakes are often soaked in alcohol, so this will be simple)
Use it as a free-weight to bulk up your biceps
Crumble it into small pieces and...never mind, it’s impossible to actually break a fruitcake
If none of these actions seem useful to you, there is always another way to use fruitcake. Most people really have no idea what fruitcake is, but it turns out that some fruitcakes contain walnuts, cherries, pineapple, butter, rum, and even a grain of some sort. With so many nutritious components, it seems to me that one of the best ways to use fruitcake would be to call it an “Emergency Survival Log” and sell it on eBay. You would be prosperous in no time.

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