The One and Only ACT: A Satire

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Junior year…. Ah, just the sound of it makes me jump for joy inside! Junior year is a time full of anticipation and fun which is all surrounded around the one and only… ACT! Up until this point in every junior’s life, teachers warn us about the one test that could define the rest of our lives. All junior who eventually take this test will find that this advice was not necessary. I have already taken this wonderful test and have found it to be exhilarating. I can honestly say that the ACT is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I will never forget.

I have been looking forward to taking the ACT for as long as I can remember. I mean, every junior looks forward to taking this test and for good reason. Before you actually sit down to take the test, you have to get to know what the test is all about. This is where the thrilling process begins. Each and every day for at least 5 months, every future ACT taker will have to be immersed in a world filled with geometric shapes, fascinating scientific graphs, and stimulating reading articles. Don’t worry about not having enough time to study for the ACT while maintaining those good grades in school. You already have too much time on your hands anyways. The ACT will keep you entertained throughout your junior year!
Juniors will find each of the four sections mentally stimulating in their own way. The ACT studying session begins with the English section, which will prove to be an enthralling experience. You will love reading each of the stories while focusing on the grammar and punctuation mistakes that might occur. The next section you will have a joy working on is the mathematics. You will find yourself smiling and laughing as you are studying for the math section. You will learn practical solutions to many problems that you may come across during your life, such as finding the arc length of various circles. Take my word, later in life you will find yourself in a situation where you will need to use all of the equations you learned back in your junior year of high school. You will think to yourself, “Thank you ACT for preparing me to find the arc length of this angle. If it weren’t for you, I would be lost.”

The second half of your studying session will include the most interesting part of the ACT: the reading and science sections. The reading section will include exciting passages that you will definitely love. One of the most exciting parts of this reading section is attempting to read four passages within 30 minutes. This will keep your heart rate up and might lead you to feeling a bit nervous. No need to worry though because reading all of these passages will be a breeze. You will find yourself wanting to read more of each story and will be disappointed when each passage is over. The most exciting section of the ACT was saved for last…. The science section! This section is comprised of simple graphs that will be a great joy to solve. All of these graphs are extremely practical and easily measure your scientific abilities. Each graph presents a challenge that any junior will be happy to solve. I would even go as far as saying that there aren’t enough graphs! You will be asking more graphs to read and more questions to answer.

Finally, the day comes when you have the privilege to take the ACT. You will be able to get up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday to experience this wonderful test. You will love waking up early on the weekend because you will feel more productive and will be so excited about taking the ACT. Not to mention, you will be able to see an entirely new school and greet all of the smiling students that are all taking the ACT with you. The ACT also requires a small fee, but don’t worry! This fee is totally worth the money. While you could spend the money on something for pleasure, you will be spending it on a test that will determine the rest of your life. This test not only determines what colleges you could get into, it also indirectly determines whether you will be successful in life. But no pressure! You will feel no pressure at all because the experience will be such fun that you will forget all about how it could determine your future. Remember to have fun and enjoy the experience! You will absolutely miss this test once it is over!





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