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A Modest Proposal of the First Solution
To solve the overwhelming problem Of over populated prisons The convicts will be put to good use
And the U.S. economy will benefit greatly
It is demoralizing when you ride down the roads of this extraordinary nation and see not the beautiful scenery of the land, but instead, endless lines of blinding neon jackets worn by convicts as they pick up the trash of drivers that are to lazy to find a trash can. These criminals that plague our streets consist of pedophiles, rapists, and homicidal maniacs. With a judicial system that gives way to plea bargains and “lighter sentences” it is easy to see how one might not receive the right punishment but rather receive the “light punishment” and is soon let back out on the streets to wreak havoc on society. In a nation that receives a tremendous amount of tax payers’ money, my money, your money, our money, it is a real disgrace to see it go to the maintenance of convicts that cannot be squeezed into the sardine-like enclosure we call prisons when one could suggest that these same prisoners all deserve a spot on death row.
Whether you happen to be a Democrat or a Republican it is agreeable by all of the nation that it is a disgrace to see our hard-earned money go to the maintenance of once innocent people that have wronged us in a previous time. We all recognize that something must be done, that something must be said, and yet we all sit back waiting for someone, anyone, to speak up. We need not the voice of a man whose taxes make not the least bit of a dent into his incredible wealth, but rather the voice of the man who works on end for that stability of a normal life: we need the voice of the American people.
One might inquire that nothing can be done about this dilemma. But what if I told you that there was a solution? A solution to the continuous waste of money, a solution to the lack of punishment convicts receive, a solution that would end this problem once and for all. One might suggest that there could not possibly be a solution that would benefit not only the American people but also the money minded politicians of this nation. The impossible has been done.
I have sat around for the past eight years watching in horror as our troops sacrifice their lives day in and day out for the safety of this nation. I have also sat around for the past eight years reading the list of lost sons, husbands, brothers, sisters, all of which have died in the war on terrorism, grow to astronomical proportions. The reality is that these precious lives were not lost in an epic battle, but that most were lost to suicidal bombers or well-hidden improvised explosive devices (IED). This solution will take convicts and utilize their physical presence on this earth and at the same time save the nation from any further loss of money.
In these past eight years a massive amount of time has been spent cogitating a solution. I have debated all the possibilities and have found one that towered over all the others. The numbers have been crunched numerous times and it all leads to a positive outcome. The research is there, all that is left is for the nation to hear my cry for a better and more productive way to solve the overcrowding in prisons. I propose that instead of putting the lives of innocent soldiers at risk, as they walk over IED infested lands, that we take convicts that have willfully disobeyed the laws of the land and put their lives at the mercy of one poorly chosen step. This will contribute to the saving of countless lives of devoted Americans.
Not only shall the soldiers rejoice at the announcing of this solution, but all men and women of this nation shall benefit. The cell doors will be opened and prisoners will be led to a much happier life, which in turn will empty out prisons across the nation. Victims of malevolent criminals will find warmth in their heart knowing that their perpetrators are being put to use. Also some new shopping centers will be able to be put up for the empty prisons will have no further use. Above all the innocent people of this nation will find comfort knowing that the parasites that once blemished the general population will be exiled. Tax payers will be consumed with jubilance as they cease to the paying of more and more prisons.
Seventy-five percent of the deaths that occur in Afghanistan are due to the hardly predictable and very devastating blasts of IEDs. The government continuously spends millions of dollars on vehicles that are made to drive over the road, chancing the interaction with a well hidden IED; well the facts are that these vehicles are destroyed and unusable after its first encounter with an IED. In other words millions of dollars blown to pieces. My question is why take money out of our pockets to pay for these expensive machines? Although safer, soldiers’ lives still hang in the balance when operating these vehicles. Why spend money when we can just use a nuisance that we are willing to get rid of. I talk of the inmates that are stuffed in prisons, I say empty the prisons and release these prisoners to the army and let them be the ones to clear the roadways of IEDs.
I feel it is only fair to empty out the maximum security prisons first, being that these holding facilities contain the most ruthless and sick beings of our society. This un-doubtedly will give the army a strong 200,000 IED detectors. But I also estimate that the army will lose close to 100 detectors a week being that there are many roads in Afghanistan they must patrol daily. At this rate, all detectors will be lost in the span of five years. But do not fret, I have taken this into account and discussed this with a close friend in the U.S. Department of Justice and he assured me that there are over 700,000 inmates sitting in our prisons that have been convicted of a violent crime. Violent crimes such as murder and rape will be next to be deported. If it be necessary to accumulate more detectors, I feel it is only just to deport drug dealers next for the “products” they sell are nothing, but detrimental to our society. One can see that we have been blessed with so many detectors and it would be wise to not let such a blessing go to waste.
An average American in this great nation gives away 12% of their money to income tax every year. This is what pays for the prisons, the average American pays $204 yearly towards the building of prisons. In addition to the cost spent by the public to contain these felons an additional $3.4 billion is spent annually on medication to keep these beings alive. I warn you my fellow Americans that the cost to support these criminals will not wane but in fact grow to numbers that will not be affordable to even the wealthiest American. My friend in the Bureau of Justice has said that these costs rose 150% in the past year alone. Well if this proposal is put into action, the prisons will slowly empty and not a single prison shall be erected for decades to come, which in result, shall lower your income tax to 10%. This is a great reward for an obvious choice.
I am confident that all Americans will give me their full and endearing support once they here my proposal.
To furthermore ensure safety, shock collars will be distributed to all prisoners once they have departed from prison gates. I have been assured by my colleague who creates shock collars for dogs that a shock collar will surely take down a full grown male in his prime. It is understood that controlling these unpredictable beings will be anything but easy, for they will feel the urge to rebel against authority (just as they have done before) and run away from our troops over seas. To avoid this problem, a controller will be issued to every soldier and every soldier will be instructed to initiate a shock to any prisoner’s collar leaving the roadway as they walk in front of our troops during patrols. I reassure any worried American that with these shock collars a seemingly uncontrollable object will be met by an unbreakable force.
I would also like to reassure the public that we are going to execute this proposal with the utmost humanity. As stated before the maximum security prisons will be emptied first then after they are barren we will empty state and federal prisons in this order. First murders and rapists will be deported. Following these will be the drug dealers and then comes those who commit manslaughter or those who sexually assault another. Finally those who rob and feel it is right to assault others in the population will be deported last. If need be we will deport any and all convicted of a felony.
I estimate that the average life span of a detector will be no more than 7 days. With so little things to cheer about in these harsh economical times, I feel it is only just, that at the end of a week of war, to have each American household celebrate the deaths of these inmates for our society has rid itself of numerous blemishes. Not only shall we rejoice in the extinction of the inmates but we shall cry with happiness for an American life was spared. This way American’s minds will be so consumed with joy they will forget such worries as, money problems, lost jobs and even kids will forget about their bad grades. Any opposing such celebration must understand that it is only humane to recognize the destruction of another collar. That person must understand that another American worked to make that collar and to not even to recognize the loss of a collar is disrespectful.
It is pertinent that we deport these inmates year round for the army might need more detectors during different parts of the year. I predict that many detectors will be needed during the time of Christmas, this way more troops will be aloud to come home to their families. Also with so many detectors being lost day after day we can’t afford to be without detectors, if lacking detectors an American soldier will be sent to patrol the roads for IEDs. The last thing we want to do is something so cruel as sending out an American soldier to look for hidden bombs. Who would do such an inhumane thing? Once again it is of the utmost importance to have a constant supply of detectors being shipped overseas.
Those that are more skilled will be used to make leashes and collars that the army can attach to the detectors so they do not run off. As a nation it is clear that job opportunities are hard to come by, but with the making of these items I estimate close to 125,000 jobs will be available to the unemployed.
A well respected friend of mine confronted me about this proposal. He was in distress at the hearing of my proposal saying that one of his friends had been convicted of murder and was in prison as we spoke. He then mentioned how families across the nation with loved ones in prison will agree to no such thing.
I respected his argument, but brought up the idea of an innocent American family losing money and falling closer and closer to the depths of bankruptcy just because they are paying to take care of criminals that have had their chance at life and chose to do wrong. The innocent American public should not have to pay for the wrong doing of others.
However, I am quite aware that there will be numerous amounts of people with loved ones being affected by this proposal. Well, I have thought of a solution to this problem as well. Any member of this nation is aloud to trade places with a person in jail and they shall be deported instead of the inmate. The inmate would remain in prison but this way any American can choose to give up their chance in life just as the prisoner has.
Promptly I shall return to the topic at hand and that is the proposal of the First Solution. As one can see the advantages to this proposal are numerous.
First off, the superficial result of this proposal will be that the problem of overcrowding in prisons (that has consumed the headlines of our newspapers for far too long) will be solved and the building of new, expensive prisons will be ceased.
Secondly, the American people will finally have something to celebrate in these tough economic times for at the end of each week we shall celebrate for we have erased 100 blemishes from the face of our nation.
Thirdly, since the building of new prisons has ceased, the public’s income tax will drop by 2%. This, in turn, will give more money to the middle and lower class people of this nation. With this extra money, numerous amounts of people will finally be able to pay off their debts to banks across the nation. In result the banks will eventually be able to pay off their debt to the government. Finally this will increase the value of the dollar and inflation will be slowed, if not stopped in its tracks.
Fourthly, many more troops will be able to make the marvelous journey home to their loved ones since there will be no more senseless deaths due to IED explosions. For once families will not gaze at the empty seat at their dinner table pondering whether or not their loved one will make it home, whether or not they will die, whether or not they will live to see the growth of their child as a being and the growth of their family as one. But instead the only worry that will burden the minds of families longing for their loved ones will be that of when will that person return home, not if that person will return. Americans will be comforted knowing that these times of uncertaintanty have departed our lives for good.
Fifthly, the unemployment rate will drop dramatically due to the numerous new job opportunities. There will be people needed to make the collars, the leashes, and people will even be needed to tailor clothes for the detectors. The smallest amount of clothing will be needed for them. Not only is it cheap, but we are humane people and we do not want anything to impede the path of flying scrap metal as it slices through the detector, which is why massive amounts of clothing will not be necessary. We want to insure they die quickly.
Sixthly, once the public becomes aware of this proposal it will discourage the acts of crime. The threat of deportation will loom over anyone who commits a crime in this nation. In turn, the crime rate will drop drastically.
Suppose that this proposal is put into affect tomorrow, lives will begin to be saved and we will have enough detectors to last us over 20 years. Over the past few years in the war on terrorism, 7.4 Americans are killed in an average week. 1.2 Americans are killed due to enemy fire whereas the other 6.1 are killed due to the blasts of IEDs (the other .1 Americans were killed due to human error while operating machinery or weapontry). It is clear that the humane thing to do would be to save the lives of countless Americans in the exchange for the loss of a few collars and leashes.
There will be no objections or any retort from any citizen of this nation when they hear this proposal. For it is clear to any American that I have not expressed the ideals or wants for one individual but rather expressed the NEEDS of our nation. So one would find it preposterous to hear an objection to this proposal for I have humbly done what all were thinking and the person who objects shall be considered unpatriotic for I have done this out of the undying love for my country. I have spoken in a time where no one’s voice will be heard and I urge whoever might be reading this to speak out with me. This is not merely the voice of one man but the voice of a nation. This is the voice of the American people.
When first compiling my thoughts and the thoughts of all my colleagues that surrounded me I luckily stumbled upon this proposal. It is morally just and it will not disappoint any other nation in this world for the steady downfall of our nations’ economy will soon rise with the acceptance of this proposal and we will without a doubt regain our throne as the best nation in all of the lands.
I am well aware that there might be others in this nation ready to speak up and contradict my proposal with one of their own. It is only fair to treat their proposal with the same respect and open mind that all reading this have done with mine. But to those brave souls, before writing your proposal I would like for you to humbly consider these two things. First, the way overcrowding in prisons is now, if nothing is done imagine the millions of taxpayers dollars that will be lost. Secondly, I would like you to consider a way to decrease the swelling of these prisons in a way that benefits the people of the nation not only morally but also economically. Before trying to conjure an answer to these questions I would urge you to ask any ex convict if they would have liked to sacrifice their life for the better of the nation. You will find that all would answer yes no matter how long their sentence might be they realize that the extinction of their impure life will only better the nation.
From the depths of my heart I cry out to you, America, that I developed this proposal not for personal gain but to strengthen our nation by emptying prisons, improving our economy, saving innocent lives, and ridding this nation of souls that offer nothing but harm to others. I have noone in prison to offer this great nation, but if I did I would gladly volunteer them as the first to be deported.
1-"The 2010 Statistical Abstract." U.S. Census Bureau. 02/01/2010. U.S. government, Web. 4 Jan 2010. <http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/cats/law_enforcement_courts_prisons/criminal_justice_expenditures.html>.