I crave touch, yet I flinch every time someone is close enough. I like being alone, but hate feeling alone. I feel like I have these holes in my heart that are filled with a feeling that is indescribable, and not in a good way. My demons hide in those gaps, toiling with my feelings that lay right in my heart. Not only do they play in my heart, but they sit on my lungs, taking away my breath and breathing it in themselves, suffocating me.

Some people say brokenness is dark, but just like eyes, the heart has a way of adjusting to the dark as well. I either love too hard, or hate passionately. Cry having tears stream down my face like a rain storm flooding the world with it’s rain drops, or my emotions run dry like the dessert, not having the weather change with its nature based off the seasons. Instead it’s dry, because not one single rain drop rarely hits a grain of sand. I have never lived with the grey side of life, no matter how hard I try to seek it, I can never seize it and cherish it.

For I run back and forth between complete utter sorrow, and a high delight. My soul lies somewhere between lost and found. Is it because of the pain that life has tortured me with, with glimpses of temporarily serenity? Is it because I’m afraid of being lonely, but afraid to let anyone in reach of my heart? You see, I’m drunk on this wild idea that love, and only love can put back my pieces that were shattered in a million little pieces scattered across the floor of life, yet I fear of love at the same moment. It’s a beautiful nightmare drawn together, because sometimes, the most beautiful people are beautifully broken.

But it’s living in the human flesh that we create the allusions that we are beautifully bound as a whole, because the flesh keeps the eyes of society seeing the broken pieces within our soul caused from the cracks in our hearts. And we are all just troubled souls forgetting that it’s okay to cry because even the sky cries sometimes. And often times than most, stars are small, but the only way they are able to shine is because of the darkness.

Having said that, I still don’t know what is filled in those gaps that my demons play in. One day I will make piece with my demons and the gaps will be filled with nothing but positivity, and the chaos in my emotions will settle flat. And maybe someday life will smile at me and welcome me with beautiful gifts it has to offer. But for now I can’t understand what I feel, and cannot label it by a certain emotion. It’s like being able to see the night sky but the stars are little dots of blur, and more than often some days I’m emotionless, others I’m a storm of a cycle of different emotions. And right at this very moment, I don’t know what’s worse, drowning from the waves, or dying from the thirst.