Natural Beauty

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According to a survey by totalbeauty.com, women wearing “natural” makeup were found to be more attractive to men by 90%- It doesn’t say what they were more attractive than, Gorillas? Baked beans? Rod Stewart? But, for arguments sake, let’s just jump to the logical conclusion that they were compared to women wearing, shall we say, “Obvious” makeup.
Well, this is fine and dandy for the gentlemen concerned, but do they not realise how time consuming the “natural” look is? Achieving the ineluctably, ironically named “natural” look (also known now days as the “nude” look and, bizarrely, the “barely there” look- which to me screams more of pale, dead poltergeist than a healthy natural glow) is the single most amazing thing a woman can do. Three loads of laundry in a day? Easy-peasy. Marriage? A doddle. Childbirth? Please, no comparison. Applying makeup in the “natural style”? Good lord! Save yourselves! Women (and children) first!
It is without a doubt the hardest make up style known to man. Or, perhaps more aptly, known to women as men quite obviously have no notion as to the skill required. Basically, for those of you out there who aren’t trained in the martial art of makeup appliance, “natural” makeup consists of women piling on lots of so called flesh coloured, but more accurately orange toned, skin bases, some sticky, super glue onto their lips and the maximum amount of mascara possible. (They wear a lot more makeup so as to appear as though they need not wear any), and that, my friends, takes skill. Skill which unfortunately isn’t possessed by a large percentage of the people I meet. I really don’t have a problem if these people opt to look like umpa-lumpas (the weird, orangey ones from the first movie, not the cool identical ones in lots of latex) but I do like to wear a bright lipstick that stands out. Don’t judge me! Foundation wearers nationwide grimace in unison at me, or at least they think they do. (It’s a bit hard to see beyond their “slap” masks). Just because my makeup is obvious, doesn’t mean I wear a lot. A smudge of red lipstick, a flick of mascara and I’m good to go.
That’s real sophistication that. Some people would say that my beauty routine actually tends more towards idleness, but they’re wrong, and should just drop that point and give me back my fifth Harry Potter book! Although, even sophistication like mine has to take a few knocks. The lipstick marks on my water bottle are more reminiscent of a messy smooch session than sexy sips. But I’d take that over concealer any day. I wore concealer once for a spot break out, I felt like the emperor the day after “that” march, putting on my winter woollies to make up for “those” new clothes, I looked ridiculous and everybody knew what was underneath. Let’s face it not many can pull off the natural look, and if you want an example of its reality in action you only need look to the recently emerged Chilean miners. They’re not gorgeous in their “natural” state. Amazing? Yes. But have you seen that dude Mario’s hair? Which, while we’re on the subject, I also get judged on. My hair is short, it’s short because it’s easy, end of.
I know the general consensus of inexperienced hair …err… people, is that short hair must take more time maintaining it due to styling etc. but in reality it naturally forms the rather fashionable bed hair. So then it doesn’t really matter if (like I’m sure many other people do) you can’t be bothered to brush it some mornings. No? Just me then? Moving swiftly on…
Long hair, my friend, is the real time guzzler. Because hair is dead, its dead the second it leaves your head and therefore the longer it is, the longer it has been dead and the harder you need to try to make it look lovely. And I envy people who can accomplish this; I really do, but it’s not for me. Also, while we’re on the subject of necrotic body growths, what is up with nails? How do people ever manage to obtain painted nails? They seem to go from wet messes that render you motionless, lest you smudge them, to chipped tips at break neck speed. (Or should that be break nail speed, as mine so often do.) And don’t even get me started on legs! Specifically, human legs, and even more specifically, shaving them. Is there a more derogatory task than the never-ending shaving of leg hair? It doesn’t matter how thorough a job you do, come morning and, like the Forth Bridge, the work begins all over again.
But I say enough is enough. It’s time to take a stand against this constant prepping, pruning and primping of ourselves, it’s time consuming and, frankly, I suck at it, so you’re all making me look bad.
Well, I will if you will. No? Right then, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to begin my beauty routine for a party I’m going to tomorrow evening, well... a girl’s got to do what a girls got to do.





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