What Would Make you Truly Happy?

February 13, 2008
By
What Would Make you Truly Happy?

Dear
,

The truth of the matter is this, I don't know if I even still care about you. I am so confused right now. I really am. It's not that I don't like you. I mean, please, don't discredit anything I have said to you before. I meant it all...

There's this girl. Her hair is as long as Rapunzel's was I am sure of it. She has the most radiant smile, her eyes seem to linger on what matters most to her, and when she's talking to you, you know she is listening. I mean really you don't even have to see her eyes to know that she is focused one hundred percent on you. You want honest? That's her. She tells it like it is, good or bad, and has a way of forcing the secrets from your deepest pits to the top of conversation. Her face is strikingly beautiful. Not just one of those average blonde haired blue eyed "American" beauties, she is stunning. Her hair hits the bottom of the back pocket of the jeans she hates to where because, to her, her legs are awkward.

Apathetic76Acorn(7:15:34 PMPM) : lol you should see me right now
Apathetic76Acorn(7:15:35 PM) : im an eskimo.
Apathetic76Acorn(7:15:38 PM) : im like, all bundled up with a blanket over my head. and i made little peep holes so i can type.
Apathetic76Acorn(7:15:39 PM): its freezing in my house.
urstageawaitsu(7:18: 23 PM) : hahaha you are adorable im sure

Dear
,

Do you remember the first time we played truth? I told you all of the rules. You just went along with it. God, that was so great. That night I mean. It was so nice to just be able to say how I felt. You know?

I suggested the game. You remember?

urstageawaitsu (8:50:34 PM): well how about we play this game called truth
urstageawaitsu (8:50:50 PM): i read about it in a book once
urstageawaitsu (8:51:11 PM): it could go on for a while but we could just pick it up whenever or until you wanted to give up meaning i would win lol

The first question was hard to come up with.

Apathetic76Acorn(9:05:13 PM) : you have to start. lol
urstageawaitsu(9:08:17 PM) : lol
urstageawaitsu(9:08:18 PM): ok
urstageawaitsu(9:21:45 PM) : ummm
urstageawaitsu(9:23:37 PM : ......
Apathetic76Acorn(9:24:12 PM) : haha
urstageawaitsu(9:25:23 PM): what would make you truly happy in life?

When I first asked the question I was thinking in my mind of the answer I wished you would say. I knew it wouldn't be your response...

Apathetic76Acorn(9:33:13 PM) : haha uhm...i think if my mom didnt care so much. and if i didnt care so much. and if my back would stop hurting. and if my OCD would go away. haha
urstageawaitsu(9:34:12 PM) : ok well now im gonna answer
Apathetic76Acorn(9:34:45 PM) : mmkay
urstageawaitsu(9:36:56 PM) : well i would say you. but i am quite sure that would overstep some boundaries. so ill say some lemon cake
urstageawaitsu(9:37:34 PM) : lol
Apathetic76Acorn(9:37:57 PM) : haha aww...
Apathetic76Acorn(9:37:59 PM) : well, were kind of together right now, right? just not in that way.
urstageawaitsu(10:00:02 PM): you have the next question


When I try to explain the situation to someone not involved I start to question why it is I have let things get as far as they are, and why, despite the fact that I obviously realize what it is I am doing, I am still letting myself believe in this "fairy tale" that we just do not fit into. I think the hardest part is just realizing that not every fairy tale scenario has a happy ending. I mean, honestly there has got to be a big book somewhere full of reject fairy tales. You know, the ones that were started with great plans in mind but somewhere towards the middle just didn't work out? I doubt any of them have been published. I can just imagine what would happen if ours ever was. People would stop reading and just think: why in the world would they even put this on paper? you know, because, anyone in their right mind would have stopped it before it could even be finished. Better yet, they would have stopped it when they realized that you had a boyfriend after you said you liked me, a girl. And if not then, then surely when they found out that despite the irony in it all, I was friends with your boyfriend, and, hold on, it gets better, he knew we liked each other even though he was with you, AND he was OK with it! Of course what I fail to understand, even to this day, is why you allowed yourself to be with him for so long and deny, what you said, you truly wanted: me.....


urstageawaitsu(10:15:34 PM) : what is it about a person when you first meet them that makes you want to know them ?
Apathetic76Acorn(10:16:18 PM) : their shoes.
Apathetic76Acorn(10:16:23 PM): lol
Apathetic76Acorn(10:16:45PM): seriously.
urstageawaitsu(10:17:47 PM) : hahahaha
urstageawaitsu(10:17:53 PM): honestly?
Apathetic76Acorn (10:18:56PM): really?
urstageawaitsu(10:20:12 PM) : hmmm now i am thinking back to the shows i wore when i first met you.
urstageawaitsu (10:20:45PM): i guess they were good.
urstageawaitsu(10:20:46PM): lol
Apathetic76Acorn(10:20:58PM): apparently.


Of course part of the problem is i never straight up tell you something is wrong. I just kind of let it float by and add it to the list of things I wish I would have said.

Dear
,

That feeling of anxiety and excitement, but sadness all at once overtook me in a rush. It was so hard to be in a position of uncertainty, especially where you are concerned. I just read the words over and over and when I finally comprehended them I hardly knew what my first step should be. I mean, how exactly was I supposed to comfort you? God.

Apathetic76Acorn (11:16:05 PM): okay
Apathetic76Acorn (11:16:11 PM): so i think im going to break up with him
urstageawaitsu (11:16:26 PM): tonight?
urstageawaitsu (11:16:30 PM): wht happened?
Apathetic76Acorn (11:16:38 PM): nothing happened. im just unhappy.

Ok what I want to know is how in the world you can be unhappy when it is me who is in this hole with no way out? The sad thing is I still played it up for you. I delved past my petty emotions and was there for a "friend" when she needed it. In actuality I wanted to help you see the truth in all of the mess. I wanted you to understand that a relationship has two sides: physical and emotional. With you HE gets the physical side while, lucky me, I get the emotional one. Don't get me wrong. I love having anything with you. It's just...

Dear
,
Apathetic76Acorn(12:15:04 AM) : so
Apathetic76Acorn(12:15:05 AM : we broke up
urstageawaitsu(12:15:06 AM) : are you ok?
Apathetic76Acorn (12:16:34 AM: uhm
Apathetic76Acorn(12:16:35 AM : idk yet
Apathetic76Acorn(12:16:36 AM : it was his idea
Apathetic76Acorn(12:18:40 AM : can you say something?
urstageawaitsu(12:18:42 AM) : i mean wht do you want me to say?


Dear
,

What really matters is that you know the truth, what makes me feel the way I do when I see you. In hopes that you will understand and finally be honest with yourself and me, I will try to unmask the lie I have lived behind and told myself. All that is left to make sense of are the facts, the things we can say definitely happened and did not. As much as I would love to count the things that have only happened in my mind I can't, and since I have only an idea of what you have thought or are presently thinking, I just want you to know some things. I think the best way to say it all would be to just throw my feelings out there. My feelings. My thoughts. Maybe they can speak louder than the words I have typed to you or the words that have found their way out of my mouth.
-I do not love you, but I care about you in way I imagine could become love.
-You are hurting me right now.
-I am sorry for not being honest
maybe this is my fault too.
-I am lying when I say I am willing to wait
every-time I say it another part of me shrivels up and dies......

God, OK let me start this over.

Dear
,

You know how in Disney movies there is the one main girl, but there are like 50 billion other girls in the movie too? You know how there are all of those other girls, but something about the main girl makes her stand out. It is not necessarily her looks or the fact that the movie is named after her, you know, it is just something about her. She just has a glow about her that makes her different. This is your movie.

love,
Me.



Apathetic76Acorn (9:53:31 PM): so he asked me what would make me truly happy
Apathetic76Acorn (9:53:35 PM): and i said, i dont know
Apathetic76Acorn (9:53:48 PM): and he goes, SHE would.
Apathetic76Acorn (9:54:32 PM): and heres something youll probably be mad at him for. remember when i was mad at him for breaking my trust? its because he told his best friend about you and me.
Apathetic76Acorn (9:54:46 PM): but heres my point in telling you this:
Apathetic76Acorn (9:55:20 PM): his best friend, asked why i was going out with him and not you. haha. so i guess what im saying is i think he wanted to break up because he was jealous or something.
Apathetic76Acorn (9:55:35 PM): maybe, probably, it was just me and the way i am
Apathetic76Acorn (9:55:44 PM): but as of right now im denying i did anything wrong.
Apathetic76Acorn (9:55:51 PM): ill admit that to myself tomorrow, maybe.


This will certify that the above work is completely original.


(if published I would like to remain anonymous)





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