The Summer of Change

February 1, 2008
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People talk about the "Summer of" Love, Pain, Watermelons; whatever. Well, if my summer was a "Summer of", it would be the Summer of Change.

I am a creature of habit. I dislike change. I am possibly the least spontaneous person on the face of the planet. I want all dates and times organized so that I can plan how to least change my schedule. So this summer wasn't the easiest to face.

This summer, I let go of my best friend; had to face the fact that she was leaving and there was nothing I could do about it. Not only was there nothing I could do about it, but there was nothing I could do about how I felt about it. This summer, I let go of the idea that I would be in high school forever, because I'm going to leave next year. I can't change the fact that this is the last year where everything will stay the same.

Maybe I'll never stop hoping for change to go away. But now, I don't expect it to go away.

Next year, I am going to have to constantly think about change. I am going to be filling out reams and reams of forms, and one of those could define exactly how my life will be changed. I'm not exactly happy with the concept, but perhaps I've come to accept it a little more. Normally I'm a person that makes the best out of whatever comes along, but I need to know what the best is in order to do that. I'm the person who always eats dessert last because I know that's the best part of the meal. But what happens when I don't know what's dessert and what's vegetables?

I get lost; that's what happens.

But even if I'm lost, it's something that I know that. You know how when someone asks you, "Where are you?" you reply, "Here!" to be a smart-ass? Well, before, I was shouting "Here!" with a blindfold over my eyes and my fingers in my ears. Now, well... it's true that I'm only surveying the terrain. I still don't know how to get from "Lost Here" to "Comfortable". Maybe I never will.

But I know that I'm lost.

And that's a change.


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