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Beat That Sucker Down

It is a downhearted experience to most that live on the luckier side of life, driving their new Range Rovers, talking on their blackberry about the man holding the “needs money for three children” cardboard box sign. “Why doesn’t he just get a job?” you ask your friend who is in the middle of their massage, courtesy of daddy. This person on the side of the road, limping a little, makes you uncomfortable. They make you wish that you could sit at that traffic light with no distractions, no worries yet you spend the money that could easily feed a family for more than a year, on your car, house, vacation, phone, clothing, etc. They have more worries in that close to 3 minutes at the stop light than you will ever have.
What if this was done all the time, throwing away money in starving children’s faces? So let’s say every unnecessary dollar you spend will cause a child in the United States to lose a year of their life. Let’s talk numbers. About 41% of children under 18 live in Low-income families. The average life expectancy for children in the U.S. today is 78. So that new Range Rover killed about 1,101 kids, and that Blackberry, about 7 more. So awesome job, we just killed 1,108 kids, but that doesn’t matter because we have a new shiny car and a cool phone that we can play games on, email, take pictures and videos, play movies…You know because that is what phones are for, not like, communication or anything.
It’s obvious the easiest way to settle this dilemma is to get rid of all the money in the world. Let everything become free. No person is richer than the other and no person is in need of anything. We can all have it all. Your sixteen year old wants a new car, they can have it! We wouldn’t want to kill any children by actually buying that car. Instead of wasting the money we spend, we will donate it all to the Monopoly board game factories. Yet than again, the game will not be very fun when everything is free. But who needs games? Not people that can have anything they want!
An endless supply of food sounds good to just about anyone. Free tacos, pizza, ice cream, pie… Instead of buying food at the grocery store we can just eat there. “Dinner at Albertsons anyone?” and once that supply is gone, we will go to restaurants! Yet there will be no cooks because no one will work anymore (they wouldn’t get paid). So instead of cooking your own food we will simply make it into a contest. The person with the best six-pack, chooses the chef of the night, and that individual must cook for anybody that walks into the restaurant. We wouldn’t want obesity taking over America. That would look terrible! So this motivation to stay in shape will make us look good and give use the necessary nutrients to keep our body going. Free America is amazing.
Think about it, free clothing. The only thing keeping you away from that new shirt is the person who thinks they can fit into it. So this becomes a game (replaces monopoly of course). I would like to call it, “Survival of the Fittest” but I believe Charles Darwin claimed that one first, well about 140 years ago. So I will just go with “Beat that Sucker Down”. Even the star spangled banner refers to it: the land of the free and the home of the brave. Everything is free, and you have to be brave to get it. There are only two rules to BTSD (the new acronym for Beat that Sucker Down). Rule #1: No male-female participation. If you are a male beating up a female for that new silver tube top, not only will you go to jail, but you will look like an idiot on the way there too. But at least the silver brings out your eyes. Rule #2: If you go into the game, there is only one way out. You better own that silver tube top. If you lack the winning privilege, than you might as well start digging that grave, but hey, we can bury you in money…no I’m serious, no one will miss it.
These rules make it more interesting. You didn’t really think that letting everybody have everything would actually end poverty did you? So now, it is solved. Money is not the issue, karate skills are. You could get rid of your weak equals, and get anything you want. The only thing you will be rich of is status, but at least you still have something above others.
It’s all very interesting, even with no money, you can still be richer than someone, and it still matters. I am not saying that the man on the side of the road deserves that money that you do not necessarily need. However there are plenty of families that do. Every dollar wasted- kills, every dollar donated: extends. You choose.

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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

aunt D said...
Apr. 16, 2010 at 9:06 am

I see a future in journalism writing

editing, teaching publishing etc.

good article!

Ms. Thomas (Rangel) said...
Apr. 12, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Wow!!! This is awesome.
Anise said...
Apr. 12, 2010 at 11:03 am
Watch out Jeff Vrabel, Stephen Colbert and John Stewart - a new satirist is on the horizon!  Oh, and did you notice, she's female...?
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