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I Wish I Knew Me

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As I sit here in the bath, contemplating everything from the cool sound it makes when I clap my hand on my stomach with water in between to if the war on terror will ever end, I start to think of you.

Saying “I love you” is far too easy for me to say, and that is scary. It makes me question my character, my honesty, my feelings. Although I would like to say I came to the conclusion that my feelings are romantic, I cannot admit that with honesty. This is not because you are not a wonderful, sincere, creative, and benevolent person, because I know you are. It is because of a reason that medical science has yet to determine. Perhaps its genetics, perhaps it’s simply fate. I question and push my feeling do to no fault of your own. The simple fact is: you are male. And while the majority of the female population would appreciate this trait, I am lost in doubt. You are male, I am female, and that creates some problems when you’re me.

I wish I knew myself better. I am openly bi, and damn proud of it. I actively support LGBT rights and fight against injustices towards them. So please understand it is not fear of public opinion or religious persecution when I say this: I do not want to be a lesbian. Now, stereotypes mean nothing to me. My best friend and several of my other close companions are lesbians, and I love them dearly. But I am afraid. I am so afraid that I am close to tears as I write this, and I assure you crying is an extreme rarity for me. I am unsure where this fear comes from. I am clueless as to how this fear took root, nor the justification behind it. I just know I am afraid that I could be a lesbian.

Perhaps it’s because of my general bad luck with women. I have never had a girlfriend that was not long distance, and all my crushes have been fruitless. Most of the gay women I know are either dating each other or are incompatible with myself. Men, on the other hand, seem to have some strange attraction to me. At 15 years old, I have had eight boyfriends, however none of them lasted very long. I have never been dumped in my life. Every single relationship I have been in has ended because of my inability to fall in love when they were.

There might be a reason for my fear: being a lesbian means I could end up alone. If truly end up liking men, the possibilities increase.

However, there is a bigger issue: being a lesbian means losing you. I do love you, and without you as a part of my life I can only imagine how dull it would be. But, I question if my love the same type as yours.

Kissing doesn’t disgust me. My body reacts as it should. But I feel no desire to continue, no fire inside. I follow your lead and nothing more. Before you, I wouldn’t let anyone so much as peck my lips. No man, at any rate. Women, there’s been one or two. Kissing them is just different, powerful, spurs me on.

Maybe you and I are just not fated to be. But, if not you, I have no idea who. Maybe I’m just afraid to close that door, despite the fact that I have already guessed what’s on the other side and am not that interested. Maybe love and me just don’t mix.

But all these maybes cut into my heart, clouding my vision. More than anything, I just want to know: Are you my Mr. Right, or have I been looking for the wrong abbreviation?



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countrywisdom said...
May 8, 2010 at 11:21 pm

You have summarized very well my own state at age 15 but I wasn't  worried about whether I was bi or a lesbian! I just had no clue about love or if I was capable of it and was terrified of the opposite sex at the same time. Hang in there! 15 doesn't last forever. On the other hand, there is something you can do in the meantime. Find an older lesbian and an older bisexual person who has walked down your same path at some earlier time. I happen to know several who would tell you ... (more »)

 
sks83 said...
May 2, 2010 at 10:49 pm
This was a well written article. I can feel your pain, confusion and struggle  over the heterosexual/bi-sexual and lesbian issues. 15 is a tough time, lots of growing and changing going on. You will know the right choice for you someday- just be true to your own heart.
 
annmarie said...
May 2, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Continue to be true to yourself and all your questions will be answered. You have a beautiful way with words.
 
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