For the past few weeks, I've been feeling this emotion. This feeling is unexplainable and I cannot put it into words. It is an emotion that has kept me up most nights, to the point where I wouldn't go to sleep until the daylight shined. And going to sleep late, always comes with the punishment of waking up later in the afternoon, most days, for me at least, I’d wake up anytime from 12:30 to 3.
I’ve tried explaining this emotion to several people, they always respond saying “Just try to be happy” and that's always accompanied by “Don’t let those negative thoughts get in the way of your dreams, hopes, and wishes” But what they don’t understand is, no matter how much I try to push those thoughts and visions out of my head, a bad outcome always comes, and I can never ignore the fact that whenever something, anything happens, it will affect me, and get in the way of my dreams, hopes, and wishes.
On the other hand, there were people who understood, but only a handful, maybe 2 or 3. I’ve tried talking to them, listening to their past and present experiences, their stories, and their thoughts. Would it make me feel better sometimes knowing I’m not the only one? And hearing that others have gotten through this? Yes, absolutely. But this is more of a struggle than it is anything else.
Sometimes, for me, a jumble of questions pop into my head, all at once. Does anyone really love me? Do you have support? Is it really worth living like this? Should I consider going back to bad habits? Am I really worth anything? Should I just end it all now? Should I, just kill myself?
That last question there has lingered in my head, almost for my whole life. Growing up, being bullied by kids who could afford and had money for expensive brands, who were tall, skinny, and the boys just loved em. They were the type of girls, who could have any guy they wanted. And here I was, always ending up with their sloppy seconds or the guys who’ve tried getting with every girl in the school. Once in a blue moon, there would be someone special, if you know what I mean. Someone nice, caring, funny, loving. But these relationships never worked out. Because of me. Because I was afraid to tell anyone about this emotion, and if I did. They would not accept that they were dating that girl, who sat in the back of the classroom, wanting desperately to fit in, but never having the courage to raise her hand in class, and answer a question, no matter how positive she was, that it was right. That girl who wished for a good life and a good future, a family, and her wishes to come true, but never could find the motivation to get out of bed, start the day, and do something productive. That kill who wanted to kill herself. Was this really a girl, who guys wanted to date?
I’ve had many friends in my life, most who have come and go. Some who I think really care, some who I know don’t, and some who I know who want a buddy to smoke with. Some who have gone, that wanted to stay, but I pushed them away, with the fear of rejection. I have a big tendency to do that, to push people away, when they try being there for me. Even when they devote their time, and energy, just to make me feel better. Regardless, of who they are, I’ve always found a way to push them out.
The hardest people to explain this to were my parents, they didn't understand, it was something I didn't want to talk about, they denied every single word that was coming out of my mouth. Saying “You’re exaggerating this.” or even sometimes “No, you don’t know what you are talking about.”
While I might not be able to explain the feeling, I know I can explain the situation. The hell that I feel like I live in every single day.
This is my story. Aside from this, there has been many many situations and difficult times I’ve had to get through. Although I still feel this emotion, day, to day, I know one day, I will be better, and that one day all of this will fade away.