I. Hate. My. Period.

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“Women don’t get their period every week. If they did all the men in the world would be institutionalized.”
“The Nanny” The Gym Teacher- one of the greatest shows from the 90s featured with and produced by Fran Drescher.

By medical definition the menstrual cycle is the physiological changes that can occur in fertile women for the purpose of sexual reproduction and fertilization. Menstruation is the biological rite of passage when the body gets rid of the material lining the uterus. The material here permits a fertilized egg to attach on to the wall, producing a fetus. Don’t worry you can’t produce a fetus without a sperm attaching to an egg, and we all know where the sperm comes from. Note: if you are old enough to read this book then you are old enough to start learning about reproduction and accouchement*. By every female’s definition within the time between puberty and menopause, it’s a punishment sent straight from Hades. The average time that a girl receives her period is 12 or 13, but can fall between the ages of 8 -16 years. To those out there who haven’t got their periods yet, do not worry. At whatever age you do get your period it will most likely be the time most natural to you. P.S. the longer your Aunt Flo takes to come to town, the happier you and your entire family will be.
Bringing up the note of family, fathers and periods, don’t ever trust them together. In fact, don’t ever trust men on this subject. May the divine goddesses forbid any young woman from having their male guardians bring them napkins as sanitary pad substitutes*or believe that when girls talk about their cycles, that the conversation is about bicycles*.
*“The Nanny” Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary –
Grace Sheffield: “Well, dad all my friends are already on their cycles. Why aren’t I?”
Maxwell Sheffield: “See, we didn’t have to bother Fran with that. I’ll buy you a bicycle.”
The symptoms of one’s menstrual cycle are caused from imbalances in a woman’s usual estrogen levels. As a result of these symptoms women and men all over the world experience nightmares and headaches, (the men experience as much pain as the women when the female society experiences PMS). Symptoms are usually a variety of bloating, migraines, cramps, food cravings, acne, drowsiness, insomnia, nausea, pain in your stomach, breasts*, and/or vagina*, and mood swings. For every woman this trait of their biological makeup is unique where one girl can crave salty potato chips or lust after chocolate. Others may feel forgetful while others cry enough to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool, where alas some may be causing miniature tempests. Instead of asking yourself what the other girls are going through, ask yourself,

“Is this normal for me?”
Because most likely this will be true. If in any situation where you are experiencing something that is not normal and this is a direct order, go to a person you know and trust ask for help. Don’t ever feel embarrassed about asking for help in this department from another woman because it’s always the case that whatever you’re going through they must have gone through as well. This kind of person may include your mother, your sister, your school nurse, etc; hey, it can include your dad if you feel at ease with him. Just know that it’s perfectly natural to talk about the emotional and physical change that you’re going through and know that it’s OK to talk about anything you want/or need to talk about with your loved ones.

So on to another branch of this topic: how to deal. Sounds like I’m talking about cards, but in some retrospect this is like a game. Mother Nature for all her glory is playing around with your body and you need to know how to deal your cards in order to play in this ordeal. A few useful tips include:

The inauguration of PMS usually occurs with some curves (you know where) that begin to mature (like fruit) and slight bloating caused by the water retaining.

Carry around a few pads/ and or pads around you when you sense that your period is coming along with an extra clean pair of underwear.

Usually your menstrual cycle begins around the middle of the month and last for about five days. Don’t worry if it recurs sooner or later, or for a longer or shorter amount of time, or even if it doesn’t even come that month. Every body is different.

If you wish to wear a tampon, ask an older female to help you because no one can do it right on the first try. (Warning: tampons come in many sizes, so figure out what size you are before buying a package.)

If you don’t wear a tampon, don’t go swimming. Pads were created for the purpose of absorbing moisture, so if you’d rather not have a balloon form in the bottom of your bathing suit, don’t.

(Trumpets playing ceremoniously) When the day finally comes don’t panic. The Red Sea isn’t coming. Normally what occurs is some spotting, maybe a few drops of blood, and maybe a brown stain

Note: painkillers can actually help kill the pain. There are over the counter drugs that will help ease the torment, like ibuprofen, Midol, and Advil. If this doesn’t help your situation, then go to a professional member of the medical community and ask for some recommended medication.

Some doctors recommend taking some extra vitamin C or calcium into your system to help regulate your period.

Wear loose, comfortable clothing. I am not saying you have to be a slob, just find something that you will feel good in and that will not give you any

Most importantly, don’t ever, ever let someone or something let you feel as if you are anything but a normal human being. If you ever saw that commercial where psycho lady is having her period and drinks milk to alleviate the raging hormones, don’t pay attention to it; well except the part about the milk, *look at earlier tip*. What you are going through and who you are is perfectly fine and natural and beautiful, don’t ever forget it.
*Birth
*Allusion from Charmed season 2. Applause to those who recognize this reference.
Real PMS Story
To those who are experiencing the distress associated with PMS here is one story about a girl who went through the bloody fire and survived. One day an eleven year old girl was watching a movie on T.V. when she felt a somewhat unusual sensation you know where. She ignored it for a while, but soon she couldn’t stand the unpleasant feeling she had and went to the bathroom. “She didn’t see London, she didn’t see France, but she did see blood in her underpants.” I remember her asking herself why me? She changed and tried to ignore it, like some surreal nightmare. But following the nightmare came the reality. She tried to cast off Mother Nature’s little gift, but unfortunately this was the one thing that couldn’t be exchanged or that came with a receipt. She couldn’t win the war against puberty and symbolically waved the white flag of defeat as she donned the white sanitary cushion. But over time the girl accepted this strange, but still irritating feature of her existence. And as the cycles of the celestial spheres appeared and faded so did the girl’s own cycles.
Sound familiar? That girl was me. But here I am a fifteen year old cosmopolite of the world of flesh, blood, and hormones. If this didn’t help just wait a few days and you’ll be none for the worse.





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alexleonrjs said...
Nov. 15, 2013 at 10:56 pm
Loved it! Very unique (: 
 
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