Perspective

December 7, 2011
By , Gloucester, MA
It starts when you look in the damn mirror
And it’s all about how you see it
Perspective
You see I looked ugly that day, in my mind, to me
It stuck with me, that perspective and I told my self I was ugly.
Every day
I cried about being ugly and pounded my face with make up
Every single day
So that no one would notice how swollen my eyes looked
That destroyed my self esteem to the point when I would not look at my face anymore.
Instead I looked at my body
And then I was as ugly
And fat
And so I stopped eating
Everything
And then I would feel so guilty when I ate
That I would write down all the calories on my hand
And run until I worked them off
And when the lack of food made for lack of energy
When I would get tired getting up the stairs
I became ugly, fat, and lazy
And when I could hardly think with that awful headache
And the constant tried buzzing
I was ugly, fat, lazy, and stupid
And then I couldn’t see
Anything good in myself, anything at all
And I didn’t know why I was alive
And that I deserved pain
And so I cut myself
And cried
Because now I was ugly, and fat, and lazy, and stupid, and emo
And it took forever
Because since I had lost all my friends
Because I was ugly and fat and lazy and stupid and emo
And then invisible
But someone noticed
The tons of make up that tears smudged around me eyes
And the tears cut tracks through
And then the bones
That stuck out of my shrinking frame despite the baggy cloths
That wee the only things I could ware
And how exhausted I was even when I was just sitting
And that I didn’t volunteer my self for anything, I hardly did the mandatory things
The dead look in my eyes
That were always red and bleary, surrounded by dark careless
And the monotone in my voice
And the sharp drop in my grades
And the numbers on my hands and the scares on my body
And put the pieces together
In to a puzzle
A perspective
I was to stubborn
To acknowledge
And then I
The ugly, fat, lazy, stupid, emo invisible girl
Got “help”
They had their own perspective
Their words were
Depressed, malnourished, anorexic, non -purging bulimic, self destructive
So then I was ugly, fat, lazy, stupid, emo and “special”
I had “problems”
Then I was ugly, fat, lazy, stupid, emo, special needs
And suicidal
And that’s where it changed
It wasn’t perspective
It became real
And unchangeable
Irreversible
No matter how you look at it
But because
Of perspective
Of how you look at it
At your self
Your perspective





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