April 30, 2009
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I can feel the cool stones underneath my bare toes, each one slightly more cold and more round than the next. The wooden beams under the arch of my foot provide a sturdy place to stand. I shiver and flex my toes hearing the stones clank against each other as my nerves start to take over. The sun is no where to be found today, I assume it’s hiding behind some clouds somewhere. The cool November breeze swirls around my naked body causing tiny bumps to form across my skin. I think about my sisters, my brothers, the baby. Tears form in my eyes when I realize that the little ones I love so much, won’t even know I’m gone. “Who?” They’ll reply, when my name is brought up in conversation. I wipe my eyes and try to calm down but thoughts of my heart keep filling my head. That boy, oh I love him so much. I hope he understands why I am doing this, I hope he doesn’t blame himself. He has been amazing. I allow my thoughts to be cut off. I know if I stay like this much longer I will be prompted to change my mind. My clothes lie neatly folded on the ground about three feet from where I stand with my drivers license and wallet tucked safely in between the garments that I was wearing earlier this morning. I want them to be able to identify me, I remember thinking. I considered writing a note, but I didn’t want to upset people any more. I had done enough of that already, I had ruined my own life, it wasn’t anyone else’s fault, therefore I felt no urge to write my feelings down on paper. If they really loved me they would know, they would understand. My thoughts raced again but this time I didn’t stop them. My body started to tremble once again as I heard the sound I had been waiting for. I tightened my fists feeling the cold metal of my favorite necklace press against he palm of my hand. Tears soaked my face and I could feel the ground underneath me shake as the once calm stones now bounced up and down; hitting my legs. I thought for a moment that they were telling me to move, and I wanted to say (although I couldn’t through the tears rolling down my face) “be quiet little stones, you don’t understand.” I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut; flexing and relaxing my body while letting my mind go. My whole body shook as I heard that dreadful high pitched squeal from the breaks and the ever radiating heat of the steam engine growing closer to my trembling body, ”I’m sorry.”

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