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I wanted to be like them

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When I was little, all I wanted was to fit in; all I wanted was to be popular. I wanted so many friends that I was never alone. I wanted to be so popular that everyone was jealous of me. That was not my reality at all. I was always alone, and I was the one being jealous. These girls, they used to be my friends in preschool, but something happened, popularity happened. I wasn’t like all the others; I didn’t have the some clothes as them, I wasn’t as tall as them, I wasn’t laughing about the same thing as them. I was the girl in class that was short, I wore glasses and I hung out with the boys. I was the girl that laughed to loud and talked too much. I was the girl in class that couldn’t read. I was the girl who enjoyed being at school. I was the girl that was sick for an entire month.
For seven years I had no friends. The only friend I had lived in the next town. I thought I had a friend, until she found new friends. In second grade I would try to hang out with my best friend and her other friends. I would try to be in the conversation, but they would stand in a ring and push me out of it. I would try to follow them, but they always walked before me or after me. They would make jokes about my glasses and my height. They would make fun of me for wearing long skirts.
In fourth grade the year started out almost perfect. The school was new and I could finally read. Then my worst fear became reality. The girls in my class found out that I had been taking drama lessons since second grade because I liked acting and that I wanted to be an actress. I came to school one day and went into the classroom. I didn’t even get to my desk until this girl shouted “Drama Queen” Right there it seemed like they were just teasing me a bit. This then became my everyday life. Every day I would walk into the classroom and they would call me drama queen over and over until the teacher came into the classroom. I became afraid of going to school. I faked being sick multiple times every month. The standard was “My stomach hurts” or “I feel so dizzy”
In eight grade things became very difficult. My parents decided to separate. This made me rethink my life. Alt the memories came back in one big bucket of water that was thrown over me. But I couldn’t see any happy moments. They where erased from my memory. I just saw the painful memories from every time someone picked on me or bullied me. I then did something I really regret. I should never have done it. I was in bed, the light was of, I then saw this sharp corner of my bookshelf. I had seen people do it in movies; I had heard what it did. I don’t need to explain it to you; you know what I am talking about. It was a release, the pain went away. I did it several times after that, just to get the pain away.
In the second half of ninth grade I realized what I was doing. I became sick and spent an entire week in my bed. I had a feeling that it was serious. “What if I am going to die?” I realized that I wasn’t ready to die. I had so many things I wanted to accomplish. I had so many dreams to fulfil. I had so much to live for. I didn’t want to die. That day I promised myself to never go back into the darkness. I promised myself that I would live my life to the fullest and enjoy every minute like it would be my last.
I have been bullied since first grade up until ninth grade. I have been so deep down that I thought I was never going to find my way back up. But guess what? I have learned something very important. I have learned that life is so valuable. I have learned that no matter what happens you will get through it. I have learned that you can get up even though you fell down a thousand times.



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