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You weren't there for me

Hi,
You do not know me,
yet you do not try.
You do not try,
yet you try to decide who I should be.
You try to decide who I should be
yet you do not know what my place could be.
You do not know what my place could be,
yet you want me to do like you say.
You want me to do what you say,
yet you do not say.
You do not say,
yet you want me to obey.
You want me to obey,
yet you take no pleasure if I do. You take no pleasure if I do,
yet you pressure me to obey.
You pressure me to obey, yet...yet...Yet nothing.

Because you never knew me. Because you never tried to. Because, so many reasons I don't need to say because you never will understand.

You think I'm invisible and sometimes I do too. You think I'm in so many ways not part of a group but I never do too. You thought I should just disappear but, look how how far I've come, how close to my goal I am!

You do not know me. Not if you think I'll fall. Not if you think I'll just go home. Not if you think I'll obey. Not if you think I'll be your friend.
So many times, so many times, you let me fall. For me, for you, for anyone and everyone. But that's all behind me now, because this time the only one who should go home is you.
You never will be my friend, you never will understand but, worst of all, you'll never understand you lost me until the day you hear yourself.
Or do you not know? Of course you do if you think. Were you not there? Did you not just stand like a statue while they were saying those things to me? Did you not see me straighten my back and raise my head like a soldier ready to stand his guard and not be pushed around?
You stood there. I'd like to say you flew to my defense, as a loyal friend would have done, but, you did not. You did not look at me. You did not smile at me. You did not talk to me. You just stood there. I stopped wondering why you did long ago. In fact, I stopped seeing you. But, I guess you didn't notice that either. I guess you didn't look at me the next day when I was talking to others.I guess you didn't smile at me when I made that "repeat" joke in front of the whole class like you did so many times before. I guess you did not talk to me on the phone just a few hours ago when I listen and shut the phone when I figured out it was you.
So how does it feel? But, why am I asking you? You do not know anything about feelings. You who said you were my friend when you were being bullied yet didn't stand up for me like I did for you.
My life is going well, I have great grades, I am so happy to be alive, to be myself and to have great friends. Since the "locker room incident" as I call it now, my life is much more peaceful. I don't think it's worth it to remind you again how you just stood there and listened to my tirade and anger. How you saw me confront, fight and defeat them.

You should have been by my side.

There's nothing more I want you to know, there's nothing more I want to know myself. I'm only writing this so your feelings won't be hurt when I act towards you like you were a stranger and when I don't care about you at all. I just don't want you to feel bullied or pressured by me. If anything, think about how I defended you and try to defend yourself,

I can't sign this "your friend" like I usually do but I know you'll understand that I wrote it.



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