People always ask why I hate myself and my family but I never have the courage to tell them. So now that I know you won’t judge me for my past, it’s time to tell you. So here’s the beginning... When I was little my mom didn’t want me because I wasn’t my step-dad’s child. So I lived with my dad, the first two years were extremely hard. My dad couldn’t find a job to support me so we lived on the street. I met this lady at the park one day and she took me in as her own. When I was four years old my mom came and got me unexpectedly, I cried for days because I never got the chance to say goodbye to anyone. When I was six years old I got to see my dad again. It was so exciting and I never wanted him to leave. My mom would never tell me the story about their relationship, but, yet, she told everyone else. I was terrified for the longest time as to why she was keeping this a secret. when I was 13 I ran away from home. It was dark out and my step-dad broke my cell phone. I ran and ducked and hoped no one would find me. They stopped looking after an hour though. I was terrified. I was out on my own, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere. I lived in the country and I was afraid someone or something was gonna find me and hurt me. My mom came and got me from school the next day. I wasn’t wearing shoes or a sweater and it was really cold outside. The next week I ran again but this time it was from school. I was found by the police later on. My mom came and picked me up from the station and she made me sit at the table. As soon as she left the room I bolted hoping nobody would notice.
They noticed three hours later. I was still in the same spot, hidden in a beaver’s den. There was something in there but I didn’t care. I was sent to a shelter where I was happy that I wasn’t around my mom but at the same time I was scared cause my little brother was still there. I practically raised Caden since the day he came home. My mom was always gone and my step-dad was too drunk to see straight. I went to a foster home after three months of being in shelter. I lived in Sioux City for three months before being transfered to Modale. My mom came every once and a while. I never got anything from her and I did all of the chores around the house. I was forced to go live back at home around Christmas break. I was tired of changing schools and homes and friends. I was back to the slave girl. The one thing I wish I could get away from. One day my sisters decided to try and beat me up, but it didn’t end the way they wanted. I bruised my oldest sister’s face and broke three ribs, her arm, and severely bruised my other sister. I came out with bruises and bite marks. I was taken away by the police. I was in juvy for three days and was then sent to another shelter. I sat in a shelter for four months before coming here. I only saw my mom once and my dad seven times. My dad called everyday and my mom could’ve cared less. When I came here I saw my mom maybe six times and my dad three. I haven’t seen my little brother in almost a year and it’s killing me. I’m terrified my mom won’t be able to care for him. I raised him and now there is no one there and it scares me. I’ve learned to let people in and put a wall up to those who spread hatred. It’s getting harder everyday cause I don’t know who I can and can’t trust. I never know when or how I’m gonna get the life I once had back. I’ve lost so many loved ones in such a short amount of time that I’m afraid to let someone else into my life. I try so hard to be strong but I don’t get anywhere. I don’t see the point of being someone anymore. I wish that I never existed sometimes, so that I won’t have to worry about the disappointment. Nothing seems right to me anymore. The songs I write become blank pages and the chords I play become sorrowful. I’m terrified of who I am and I can’t show that person. Nothing in my life seems right anymore and to be honest I don’t know if I stand this pain. I wish that I could be me and not get judged for it, or pray to god at night and feel like he’s listening. I wish a lot of things, but I just never know which one I need. Jehse you needed to know this, because to be honest, I’ve fallen head over heels for you and I haven’t even met you yet. I’m terrified I’ll lose you and I never would have had the chance to tell you how I feel. So yes I’m terrified of myself and who I am. I’m afraid of being shut down everytime I try to do something that makes me feel better. So shut me out if you want but it’s only one more thing to look back on and wonder what went wrong.