Being around my friends makes me feel depressed and I hate how I act around them but I don't know how to stop
That's not good, is it? I can't get new friends. I can explain more about how it is, but I just don't know what to do.
Please elaborate if you feel like it
I . .. aagh. I feel like they're cliquey, and I just annoy them. But I think it's mostly me. Because whenever one of them says anything that is mean or whatever, and most of the time it's teasing, I feel awful. And then I say something mean back, not in a teasing way, and then we argue, and I feel like a biitch and am depressed the rest of the day.
And I think I know what it is. I used to be the girl who could take anything, no matter what you said to her, what mean or just teasing things you said. Now I've changed. And I'm fragile and everything they say hurts. But when I try to tell them that they just laugh it off and say that I'm joking around and tease me more. And the more I try to be serious the more they tease and the worse I feel. And then sometimes I feel like I suck up around them, at least one group of them. I feel like I try too hard. I just can't effortlessly be the me they used to know. I've changed, and I don't know why, and I've been out of wack and depressed and weird. I can't be the person they used to know. And I have another group of friends, well, we're all friends, but there's a bit of two groups. And the second group is really nice and understands and they are amazing, but I want to be friends with the first group too. And I don't really fit in with the second group. Or the first.
It's gotten to the point that my parents are bothering about it. Whenever I'm feeling depressed or out of it or like a biitch, I say I'm tired. And apparently I do that too much because a teacher emailed my parents and told them about it, and asked them to do something about it. And so they're p,issed at me, and bother me about it. And all the time in the background, they're doing their little jibes at eachother. Little pokes, little oh look what you didn't do's. Little snipes that don't hurt the other one anymore because they're so used to it. But they hurt me. And I get this clenched, powerless feeling inside and it hurts and I can't make it stop. And then sometimes they yell and I can't make them stop then either. And I'm just a powerless little girl. I've been having basically mini-breakdowns every few days for the past month or two. Like scremaing into my pillow and crying and crying and having these awful feelings and thoughts. One time I was just a total annoying biitch for no reason. Frankly, I'm surprised my dad didn't do something bad to me; I was being so annoying. And then I went to my room after that and cried for a long time, then I put on my happy face and went back and pretended I was okay. And I kind of want them to divorce so they'd just STOP. But I can't say that. And I can't say anything about my friends or WHY I'm so tired all the friki,n time to them. If I did they'd just use it against eachother and jibe and poke and I couldn't make it stop. And I can't talk to my friends about my parents because they'd tease me or if they'd listen I'd feel awful shoving it on them. And I have all this awfulness inside and I can't get it out. Not my friends, not my parents, not anyone except on here. And I still feel guilty for putting all this on everyone here. I feel like I have depression or something. I think I know why I changed, I think I know why I'm fragile and depressed and messed up now. Last year, a lot of my friends were cutting. There was a huge dramatic fiasco and everyone was stressed and feeding off of eachother and everyone felt awful. Now it seems like everyone has moved beyond that, and everyone else is okay and back to how they were before that except me. And they expect me to be my old self, and I CAN'T. Everyone, my teachers, my friends, my parents, they all think I'm just being annoying and stupid or whatever. I just annoy all of them. But I can't tell any of them this. I don't know. Everything feels so fake. It's all an act; nothing's real. No one realy shows how they feel./ It's driving me insane. I jsut want something REAL. Something true and good and that isn't lies. But I don't know what reality is now. I don't know real things.
God, that was long. And I sound like some sort of lunatic that should spend her time talking to a psychiatrist in an asylum. And really, I feel like I should see a psychiatrist. But there's no way I could tell my parents that. Aagh. I sound even more insane now. I'll just shut up.
It's good that you can trace your change all the way back to a single event. Do you mind sharing the event that stressed everyone out?
Even though you aren't the same as you were before there's no problem with that, if you want to stay this way then I suggest you find friends that can understand you; however if you want to go back to the old you then you ma have to keep the facade of being happy.
You're not crazy nor a lunatic, you're just stressed out. And me and anyone else that post on this thread is here to help you in the best way we can