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English Lyrics Need Some Proofreading~ Critique Plz?

SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 5:17 pm

Song: Joker by Hatsune Miku.
 
Wrote some English lyrics for it, want some input on anything I can make better before using them and junk.
 
 
Link to the song w/english translation: youtube .com/ watch?v =9ZzI4Jz1O0s
 
Lyrics:
 
Shall we begin now? It’s showtime

Invite a woman up in her prime

Would you like to play a card game?

No need to know one another’s name



Do you consent to all my rules?

True love is only for the fools

If you want something just ask me

Just know you’ll have to pay a penalty



The hands of time can’t go back the choice you make at last cannot be reversed with such ease

For in this game we play I have already put my cards in play



JOKER

A girl is on the verge of crying

JOKER

Shows signs of fear oh how exciting

JOKER

With just one moment of this pleasure

JOKER

I wanna run away together



This new world I shall now show you to

Has a forest melting into blue

My expectations are at a high

There is no need for fear just come nigh



The hands of time can’t go back the choice I make at last cannot be reversed with such ease

For in this game we play you have already put your cards in play



JOKER

JOKER



JOKER

Your bright light is now slowly dimming

JOKER

An anger of yours is subsiding

JOKER

A body shaken to depression

JOKER

Two people now hold dead expressions





JOKER

A girl is on the verge of crying

JOKER

Once a bright star is now in mourning

JOKER

With just one moment of this pleasure

JOKER

I wanna run away together
 
So yeah, please help me edit this in any way possible ^^

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 5:22 pm

Other Tranlsations I used:
 
youtube .com/watch?v= KyxjdDmQVvo
 
animelyrics .com/doujin /vocaloid/ joker.htm

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 5:22 pm

Other Tranlsations I used:
 
youtube .com/watch?v= KyxjdDmQVvo
 
animelyrics .com/doujin /vocaloid/ joker.htm

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 5:55 pm

lol thanks for the compliment ^^

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 7:51 pm

YO I'm having trouble with some other lyrics, if i put them here will peoples help meh? ;^;

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Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:15 pm

I love your lyrics Floree ^_^ They actually go with the song.
 
I can try to help you with other ones but I've only done one which was Mozaik Role so I'm sorry if I'm not good at it.

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:17 pm

Thanks, Joker was easy. Ike Lenka? ... not so much.
 
Here's what I got so far:
 
L-L-L-Len Len Len Len you all out I'm gonna

Len Len Len Len you all out

(2x)



11

To sing for you anything is the sale point

14

And in the shadows I train to get better everyday

12

But still there's people who sing at a higher rate

13

But hopefully I'll destroy them all it'd make my day



1

So-o~~Oh~Ohh~~~

9

Please be with me when I defeat them

12

Please don't cheat on me... I'd hate if you left me

4

Don't look away



12-13

L-L-L-Len you all the way out cuz I will cuz I can

14

I will charm you with all my songs but can I really win then?

12

E-E-E-Everyday you said that you would listen now right?

13-14

But don't you think I could aspire to a much greater height?

4

Isn’t that right!



L-L-L-Len Len Len Len you all out I'm gonna

Len Len Len Len you all out

(2x)















11

Though I may not act like I care for you now

14

Just know that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be around

13

But even so my feelings aren't those of love

13

I just don't feel anything yet past a friendly hug



1

So-o~~Oh~Ohh~~~

9

Prove to me how true are your feelings

13

But I see now if we're left alone let me just say

4

I feel okay



12

A-A-A-Affection is that what you said you wanted?

14

I do not know if I am capable of giving you it

13

L-L-L-Love is just a trick that your mind plays on you

14

Someone said there is no such thing as a true "I love you”

4

Isn't that true?



L-L-L-Len Len Len Len you all out I'm gonna

Len Len Len Len you all out

(2x)



RAP

In reality my heart's pounding so loudly

Your words cut into me and just make me feel so unsteady

Stupid things I do to fu.ck myself up

guess my self-confidence is finally all used up

You say you love me but do you really?

You say you want me but do you really know me?

This feint can you just see so easily?

But still can you tell me you love me?

To be the cool one was the whole plan

Act like nothing could bother me as I am the man

But what the h.ell do I really know?

I'm only an eighth grader on my life's own road

Running away and hiding is my one and only skill

Pretend I don't give a sh.it about other's we-ell

That's all just an act I really need your shoulder to lean on

So secretly I don't want you to ever leave



3

So-o~~ Oh~Ohh~~~

9

Just keep on loving me like you do

13

I’m sure if you all stay with me through everything then I’ll

6

take this world by storm



13

C-C-C-Can I keep up this winning streak of mine?

14

I will post song after song so you can listen all night

13

Y-Y-Y-You play my songs in a repeated loop?

14

Maybe I should show you that I’m grateful... um so thank you

13

S-S-S-So I am your target of love isn’t that right?

14

You say you love me, love me very much … is that right?

13

S-S-S-So when does this little love of ours start?

3

You and me-



...



5

Oh please excuse me!

4

I'm just teasing~
 
 
 
... ignore the numbers.
 
So yeah, most of it fits okay-ish, but the ending doesnt really... it hates meh ;^; Halp.

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Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:44 pm

Okay so I had to listen to the song and figure out what the meaning was first XD Up to what point do you need help with? lol i was going to ask what the numbers were for XP

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:46 pm

XD well, most of it fits more or less, except the last part. Starting at "C-C-C-Can I keep up this winning streak of mine?" to the end mainly.
 
And the numbers were the number or syllables originally, if you really wanna know.

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Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:17 pm

It sounds fine to me XD maybe instead of "that I'm grateful" it could be "my gratitude"? PX
 
Hmm maybe the "S-S-S-So I am your target..." it could be something like:
S-S-S-So I am your target of love, is that so?
You say you love me, love me very much... I even know
 
and I personally like "begin" over "start" on the "S-S-S-So when does this little..." ^_^ I hope I helped >.>... I'm not good at this XD

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:25 pm

Hm... okay, making it fit properly, how's this?:
 
13

C-C-C-Can I keep up this winning streak of mine?

14

I will post song after song so you can listen all night

13

Y-Y-Y-You play my songs in a repeated loop?

14

Maybe I should show you my gratitude... um so thank you

13

S-S-S-So I am your target of love, is that so?

14

You say you love me, love me very much … tell me so

13

W-W-W-When does this little love of ours begin?

3

You and me-
 
...
 
Oh please excuse me!
I'm just teasing~

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Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Yes! Sounds much better and it flows better too! ^_^

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:33 pm

Alright! ^^ ... and now just for the heck of it, wanna help me look over the rest of the lyrics? XD I'm so freaking bored right now, and plus a lot of the lyrics probably sound weird.

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Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:37 pm

Sure but it will take me a while XP

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:42 pm

XD just do it part by part, start with the first verse and chorus.

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:44 pm

by the way, i edited it a bit more to make it singable, here:
 
13

C-C-C-Can I really keep up this win streak of mine?

14

I will post song after song so you can listen all night

13

Y-Y-Y-You play my songs over repeated in a loop?

14

Maybe I should show you my gratitude... um so thank you

13

S-S-S-So I am your target of love is that so?

14

You say you love me, love me very much … tell me so?

13

W-W-W-When does this little love of ours begin?

3

You and me-



...



5

Oh please excuse me!

4

I'm just teasing~

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Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:00 pm

Omg that sounds even better XD
 
Okay for the first verse the line "But hopefully I'll destroy them all it'd make my day" I feel like the "it'd make my day" disrupts the flow but I don't know what should be replaced with it >.<...

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:08 pm

hm... how about "But hopefully I'll destroy them all you’ll see one day"?

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 13, 2013 at 8:25 pm

OKAI, i have more lyrics. The song is Tsunde Lenka by Kagamine Len. It's also called Tsunde Renka and Tsundere Len's Love Song. The words fit, but any help with flow will be appreciated.
 
12

If you ask me what are my thoughts on this topic

10

I’d say love is just a small fantasy

11

Truthfully, I believe it’s quite idiotic



7-5

What’s with all your eagerness? It’s so troublesome

12

It’s such a nuisance when you stare constantly

12

And when you share your notes when I just don’t need them



15

You keep speaking of this thing, I believe the term is called ‘love’

10

But can’t you see you just don’t understand

14

For it’s not something that is so easily obtained from one

6

from you just trying hard



12

You have no clue to how much I really hate you

10

You’re just a thorn in my side that won’t go

12

What’d you say? “I like you” oh just give me a break

11

Can’t you just go, get lost and leave me alone



12

It pains me so when you expect something of me

End it before my love shows

7

I’ll be a bore, if you know



So show you? No!







12

In the most basic of terms this feeling called love

11

Is just some illness that’s caught by idiots

12

So how did you end up with something so stupid



12

The most affected ages are those in their teens

11

Symptoms include unrealistic thinking

12

Check all diagnosed in the hospital promptly



15

When you say you “like” someone means that they’re your “one beloved”?

10

What kind of dumb code are you talking in now?

15

Maybe if I care for you, let you get rest and medicine

6

You’ll improve, make sense too



12

Secretly though I know it’s not really that bad

10

To believe in this love but you see

12

If I reveal my true self to you now I know

11

Anything between us two will never be



So then before anything serious happens I’ll

End it before my love shows

I’ll be a bore, if you know

So show you? No!

12

You have no clue to how much I really hate you

10

You’re just a thorn in my side that won’t go

12

What’d you say? “I like you” oh just give me a break

11

Can’t you just go, get lost and leave me alone



12

It pains me so when you expect something of me

7

End it before my love shows

7

I’ll be a bore, if you know



So show you? No!

 
 
Again, ignore the numbers.

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SuperFloreeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Feb. 13, 2013 at 8:30 pm

wait... instead of "So before anything serious appenes I'll", it's "Before anything blows up in my face I'll" XDD it just fits better

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