Life won’t be quite like this ever again. Somehow the year has swallowed itself and I’m reeling in the silence left behind. Everywhere I turn people are parting ways and no one is safe from it. It comes for us all. I'm going kicking and screaming, because I love this. I love this precious time between child and grownup, these wild years of being young, passionate and free, the liberation from adult responsibilities with the satisfaction of great independence. I love all of it. And what's truly terrible is the fact that I didn't realize how much I loved it until now, the end, when there’s little time left for sentimentality and even less for heartache. There will come a time when this won’t hurt so sharply, but right now it is a throbbing in the gut, an all-encompassing, overwhelming, quivering emptiness. I miss everything and it just happened and it’s not even far enough in the past to be missed properly so why how can I be grieving so soon?
This has been a pleasure. The whole thing. You realize how stupidly impetuous all the fights and arguments were, how fleeting your time together is. I have a shocking yearning to go back and do it all again, now that I know how much it stings to say Goodbye.
Hello. Good to see you. Even though I can't see you, as you are a virtual thread on the Internet, which is in itself invisible.
Am I overthinking again?
I have been writing, and then I discovered Teen Ink has a website with forums! So of course I had to check it out. And, of course, my first post is a really random journal entry. Hey, we all have to start somewhere.
Peace, love, and magical souffles,
PS- Isn't it funny, I've never actually had a souffle, yet I love talking about them? OSWIN OSWALD, IT'S YOUR FAULT. ALL YOUR FAULT. Excuse me, I must go exchange words with Oswin. Oh, wait, she died? OK, I'll find Clara. That should be good.
The wind was blowing again today, even though the sun was hot. Working outside behind the barn, I got hot and sweaty, so a cool shower felt good late in the afternoon. My friends are crazy, they talk about each other discussing this and that and how to get along but they still bicker.
The salt on the sacrifices has to have something to do with salt everywhere. What does it mean? The hickory trees have bugs in the leaves, but they're still pretty. Most will come out soon.
Staying up until the wee hours is idiotic but I'm doing it anyway. I'm getting a headache. At least some of my friends are sensible. :-) Yay! Hooray for Grace.
"I am overthinking how not to overthink things." -the pet fish.
Awkward silences are strange, especially when someone has a television set playing in the background. It gives some ambient noise anyway.
So, there's a lot going on right now in my life...school's almost over, I'm making summer plans...
It's going to be a busy summer. I'm doing CEF, going to sleep away camp, spending a week in Ocean City and a week in Rehoboth Beach. That place is awesome. I've been going there with my family since...well, since I was a baby.
I know it's still kind of far away, but I can't believe I'm going on fourteen in the fall. The last couple years have flown by, ever since...yeah...
There are some things that need to be said, but not here. Sometimes I come on this thread and write a journal entry, but don't post it. But...I think I will post this one...
Writer's block. The handcuffs of the mind. The mockery of the blank page. I'm not afraid of "defiling" the blankness, but I just have to find the right words to defile it with. I can't even do a free verse, and those are supposed to be easy. Pfft. Anybody can write a free verse poem, but I'm having trouble writing a good one: that takes talent.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was much less impressive the second time around. I think I'll just wait till The Desolation of Smaug goes to video to see it instead of going to the theater.
Heck, even reading isn't much fun anymore. I need a brain vacation, give my mind a break until the Muse decides things aren't too tense anymore. Anxiety isn't good Muse-food. But what am I gonna do, sit around piping iPod into my head until I need an aspirin? (Like some people I know.)
As soon as the Muse comes back, I'll draw its portrait. ;D Until then I'll study for my Learner's--maybe things will get better after I pass that test.
It's late and I want to go to sleep but first I want to dash off a quick entry.
It rained all day today. Rain makes me tired. Constant rain puts me in a nasty mood, and being cooped up in the house makes it worse, so it wasn't my happiest day. Especially since I wanted to go running so badly after my break this weekend. I should've gone Sunday, instead of watching the Phillies lose, taking that nap and getting all moody.
Well, I'll go tomorrow as long as it's not pouring. I need to get out of the house. Plus, i need to break in my new shoes. They're awesome: hot pink with neon yellow accents.
But first, I need sleep. So I'll set my alarm, lie back and let my thoughts wander until drowsily I drift into my subconscious and...
Dear Journal Finally summer is here!! It feels so good to be in my country house and to swim in the lake and stuff. What about you journal, do you like to swim?! To answer Mckay, I have read Insurgent twice and man was it EPIC. I finally have an iPhone and god people will not stop texting me (probably because i text them) haha whatever. I am also litteraly starving and about to drop dead so that's all journal. I will catch up later when there is food in my belly :) Yours Always, Liv
I haven't posted for so long! This is why I don't keep a journal in real life no matter how much I want too. I'm not dedicated to it!!!! I need to teach myself to be, because I REALLY REALLY want to keep a journal again. Especially this summer: super busy, helping out with CEF, Art in the Street, Camp, Ocean City and Rehoboth beach. VBS is done with, it kind of zoomed past. I was in the 7-12 grade group this year, it was...strange. (I had no idea that the older kids were more spastic than the younger kids) So last week our friends pool got really warm, but i doubt all this rain is helping. Oh, my town is doing fireworks again this year after taking a two year break. I can't wait.
So, that's all for now,
Carl Sandburg said that the moon was a friend for the lonesome to talk to. I promised her I would come back to chat but I broke my promise. I guess Alaura sticks around to much for me to remember, but why do I still feel "lonesome"?
Okay, I feel compelled to bare my soul to the Internet and explain Alaura Jacobsen. Here goes:
Alaura Jacobsen has existed since I was in 6th grade. I had no imaginary friends as a young child and for some reason, after I read Diana Wynne Jones's "Howl's Moving Castle" I began to seriously indulge in daydreaming, a habit I have since never dropped. Not sure what that has to do with Howl and his castle. Make of that what you will. A more probable reason is that I had dropped out of middle school and begun a three year stretch of homeschooling, leaving me with virtually no contact with flesh and blood middle children my age. Without the homeschool program's private social media site I would have lost it. Doegirl, if you ever read this, thank you for saving my sanity.
As my fantasies became a deeply ingrained habit a certain sort of avatar was unconsciously created by me to act out my dreams. She's changed appearance over the years (at one point she had floor length hair that changed color with her mood) and taken on different names, but as her late 2010 early 2011 incarnation as a sorceress-corsair with a flying ship, she became the confident, almost invincible Captain Aurora Jacobsen. The air pirate persona eventually fell away as Aurora became the much more adaptable Alaura Jacobsen, although the Captainess still lives on as Aquila Sarev, who may migrate to this site some day.
So here she is, looking over my shoulder as I type. My imaginary friend/alter ego who has travelled from Fangorn Forest to Hogwarts, Kipling's Jungle to the deserts of Tatooine. From here on out I'll stop pretending to be her and sign my real name at the bottom of these posts. They're my feelings, not hers.
It's been forever since I last used you. Whatever.
None of my friends are on chat; I bet they're all doing something productive with their lives, rather than sitting on their a*ses like I am right now. So, I think I'll go do something produtive too.
With all Sincerity,
P.S. I'm happy I got 4 Editors' Choices of the 23 poems I submitted recently. Meh, who am I kidding I could've done better.
Dear Journal, I see no one has used you for awhile, so I decided to. It is the end of summer, and therefore the end of all my happy times, right? WRONG!! I absolutely positively love school. (I am homeschooled) This year I am going to my first co -op at my church. I cannot wait! Al my friends are going to so it is going to be tons of fun! Also I have the best writing program EVER this year, and I am super exited about it! But I still wish that my wonder filled Summer wouldn't have to leave so quickly. It really has been the bestest Summed ever. I have learned so much about myself, had so many adventures. It seems like Summer just started and now its over. Just like that, gone in th blink of an eye. The best summer ever only a long unbroken string of sweet memories. Love, Claire W. -13
Dear Journal, No one else has used you since I last did. So I decided to. I wrote a few poems yesterday Anne worked on my book, Dawn. It os going pretty well, I cant wait till I finish it though so I can write something else! I suppose that is all. Forever yours, Claire
Wish I thought of this idea. School started about a week ago and I already have homework. My books are all online which is nice. The website however decided to crash on me and I do not enjoy that. Wish me luck for tomorrow.
Ebony aka Piano
I'm proud I got an Editors' Choice...again. I hope I get another one. But that's wishful thinking.
I love reading The Absolutist by John Boyne. It's so....beautiful. I know, I can't come up with anything else.
Overall, my day has been going well.
With all Sincerity,
My principal forgot to tell us about the PSAT when school started. It's on the 16th, but I can't get myself to study. I checked out two of my favorite books from the library, but they aren't stirring anything. There is another book in my locker--Julia Cameron's "The Sound of Paper". Reading it helped me identify what is going on in my head just now, but that's all.
I watched "The Time Traveler's Wife" and "Pan's Labyrinth" last weekend. One made me cry a little, the other made me gasp and grin. The emotional slaking didn't last. Why do I feel thirsty all the time? Is it because Ms. Cameron described my condition as a drought? She was right.
I thought taking a break from writing would help. I was going to enter an art contest, but I haven't drawn anything.
I want to throw myself in the McKenzie River. Gloriously cold and smooth and fast. I will never forget that swim at Green Island, where I found a kingfisher feather. It was fantastically freezing, and that was far downstream on an 85 degree day. The boulder pools between the rapid and frothy blue upper stream in the mountains are too cold for me to swim in. Someday, I'll be less of a wimp.
For once I have something else to think about. After going to visit my dad for six years, he is actually coming here. He'll get to see.....where I live....
If you would be so kind as to tell me the location of Neverland and tell me if the Little Princes sheep has eaten his rose. These days, I dont know anymore....
I've been watching Pretty Little Liars for the past three hours. It is litteraly the best show ever.
Today was a b----. I can't take this monotony. The work isn't hard, it just never ends. I don't want to die, but at the same time I don't want to live. I'm tired of everything, but I can't sleep unless I'm with my love. She's the bright light at the end of the tunnel; the only thing I really work for.
I can't wait for college. Hopefully it won't be so boring. And hopefully I'll be away from my parents. The abuse is getting to me.
Luckily, it's getting colder. Slowly, but at the same time quickly. It's hard to explain, but maybe I'll find a way someday.
I haven't been on in a while. A lot has happened. I'm failing Math, my sister owns my cell phone, I'm teching a Spansh class for elementary kids, and I got a boyfriend!
Gotta go. Mr. D will be expecting my Anatomy project now.
Dear Journal, You wouldn't believe where I found you, deep beneath piles of papers. I could never keep a diary, but here I go. My name is Corin_Willow, or just Corin for short. I have to be the bus monitor to a bunch of little kids I really care about, but they never listen. Sometimes they are just so annoying I want to scream! They wrote a bunch of stuff on the steamy windows saying I suck among other things I don't think I should mention. This isn't the only time. I've been kicked, harassed, had salt thrown at my eyes, and called a monkey. Mom says they aren't worth my trouble and I should ignore them, but somehow I feel overwhelmed.....like I let down my promise to protect them. Like one rule says they need to stay in their seats, but they are continually jumping over the tops and climbing under and... Anyway, they're just kids right? I shouldn't be crying over those kinda of things but.... I can't say my life's hard, but it does get depressing and boring and heavy. I have been getting depressed lately, and it's not because of my bus monitoring. I'm fat and unappealing. The guy I like is going out with one of my friends, and I just feel terrible inside. My life is endless drudgery and monotonous school work. Sometimes I feel like I can't go anywhere. I guess I just need a change of scenery. Good thing Thanksgiving is almost here. Finally a little travel! That's it for now. Will write more later [thats a promise] -Corin_Willow