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You're looking at her, I'm looking at you.

bubblee96This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Jan. 2, 2013 at 6:50 pm

It kills me to see you with her; kissing, hugging, talking, looking. It kills me. Not just because you're with her but because it means you don't want me anymore. You don't want to kiss me or hug me or talk to me or look at me. It means that she's the one and I'm not. It means that I wasn't enough, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't better than her. Maybe no one after you will want me. Maybe I'll be alone for the next 2, 4, or 12 years. Maybe this is all I'll be; not good enough. It kills me not to know what will happen after you. You were a chapter in my life and though I may have passed that chapter it doesn't mean I want to close the book and finishing a chapter is just a step closer to doing just that; closing the book. I don't know how many chapters I'll have or how long they'll last or if I'll be alone in them. When I was in your chapter there was you and me and for a girl with not a lot to look forward to that was enough. I wanted more though so I pushed and I lost you. I lost the person who made me smile and cry and laugh and get frustrated but at least I felt something. Now I feel empty like you took a part of me with you. I can't talk to you anymore. I can't hug you anymore. I can't come to you with my problems. I can't hold your hand or your arm. I can't put my head in your chest when I'm scared. You won't kiss me anymore. You won't make fun of me and then hug me until I forgive you. You won't drive insanely because you know I hate it. You won't tell me things that make me laugh or pick fights just because. You won't even look at me. I know it's my fault. I know it.  No matter how many people tell me it's not I know it is. I was happy with what we had; just you and I and I threw it away because people told me I should be wanting more. People were telling me I should want you to make me your girlfriend. I should want you to take silly pictures with me or any picture. I should want you to kiss me in front of my friends. I should want more. I guess I should've known that you weren't over her though. I should've know that whenever you kissed me you weren't really there; you were kissing her. I should've known that when you were laughing with me you were really laughing with her. I should've known that I was a fill in for her until you got your priorities straight. I should've known that I wasn't enough. I should've known that I was just another girl for you to play with until she was ready and you were ready. Now you're kissing her and hugging her and talking to her and looking at her and I'm looking at you. I'm wishing you were looking back at me. I'm wishing you were talking to me and hugging me. I'm wishing you were here to kiss me. I'm wishing that no one will see through my words when I say I'm over you because I'm really not. Sometimes I like to think that I am, over you, but I know that isn't true. Every time a song comes on the radio that was one of our songs I have to turn it off. Every time someone brings up your name I have to promise myself I won't break down, that I won't cry for you while you're kissing her. I won't, I can't; not anymore. I can't think about you because I know you aren't thinking about me. I can't cry over you because I know you're laughing with her. I can't be with you because you're with her now. Now you're kissing her and hugging her and talking to her and laughing with her and taking pictures with her and dancing with her and looking at her. And I'm looking at you.

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