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In dire need of feedback.

Anagha posted this thread...
Oct. 26, 2012 at 6:10 am

HEy guys! My name is Anagha and I'm new to teen ink. Here's my new article. Please feel free to give your feedback.Critical appreciation is welcome.
 
THE STORY OF MAN
I’ve often seen the illuminated particles of dust under the light bulb and I’m surprised to see such a small part of nature’s creation. I also feel every creation has to be given equal importance and vitality. We are after all just humans not creators. So if we do put some effort and help in promoting the survival of other creatures, we aren’t doing a favour, we are just doing our job. But we have widened the hierarchical division of vitality in creations. Nowadays, the importance of creatures is sorted based on how useful they are to us. The fact itself that I am asking you readers to think about this is scary.
However important the above aspect may be, that is not the focus of this article. The focus is not the dominated members of nature but the dominating member; the humans of course. The human man was born with a pure soul and body and mind. But his surroundings brought about peculiar changes in him. Hurting another soul was never part of the package for us humans. But one key element sent him into a state of frenzy; Survival. As he came into the world, he realized he needed to stay alive and it wasn’t that easy of a task. The necessity for survival brought about many new elements in man which he was new to such as selfishness. He reached such a state that he was ready to hurt another soul to satisfy his needs. This was the survival age.
But as time progressed, survival became all too easy, just like breathing. At this stage, a new necessity had risen. Now humans fought with each other to reach the top. I call this the age of competition. Just as survival became no Hercules task, reaching the top seemed to take a lot of time and energy.
Side by side, man also developed relationships. He realized that he would be a fool to fight a battle alone. But it also had an emotional reason to support it. He made friends and mates. Males and females realized their clan would wither away in the absence of their union. He needed friends to pour out his heart to at the end of the day. Hence, man came to called a social animal.
By this time, he was at par with all other creations. Now came the age of hierarchy. This was the age when boundaries were created, fences were put up and the world went from the abode of man to the abode of regions and countries. The people of the world had no sense of belonging and the powerful overpowered the weak. But as far as I understand, the law of nature is that the powerful protect the weak not take advantage of them. I see this age as the beginning of destruction.
Man, soon realized it was impossible to generate every single thing he craved for and his craving and need seemed to have no end. So they devised the concept of exchange. Hence was born the concept of exchange. This idea flourished for long but wasn’t good enough to last. Soon, came the idea of currency. This is seen as the beginning of the end of a selfless, open and free-flowing society. After the invent of money, came the segregation of the society into fragments. It was then that society was shattered and we haven’t been able to put it back together an I don’t think we ever will. This was the age of division and just like the age of competition, it has no end. The survival age was just a phase because man had no other focus in life at that stage. Hence, it was bound to see an end. But division? As long as mankind exists, division exists. Based on money, we have rich and poor, based on God; we have religion, based on power; we have the powerful and the weak and based on appearance, on one side we have the bold and the beautiful and on the other side we have the uglies. At one end, people are going higher and higher and the sky is the limit for them but on the other hand people suffer at the hands of ill-fate and incapability. The ridge between the two strata is widening day by day, the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer.
As the hands of time keep ticking, mankind comes forth as an evolutionary clan, which has evolved and changed over the years of its existence. Whether for the good or the latter, I do not know but change is the only visible constant in the evolution of mankind.
 
 

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CollegeEssays replied...
Oct. 28, 2012 at 10:58 am

I enjoyed reading some of the theories of ages in time and how you grouped them, but to be honest this essay was kind of all over the place. It was hard to follow unless you were really paying attention to it and understanding every aspect. I also feel like the way that the essay was ordered was not the best and that it could have been better written. I found a lot of grammatical errors in there. I could not possibly write all the grammatical errors through the internet because it would be too hard for you to follow, so in my opinion you should give it to an english teacher that you trust to review. 

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