Teen Ink on Twitter
When you find my body cold and heart no longer beating please don't cry. I am sorry it has to be this way but life seems to unbearable to continue. When they dedicate a song to me please let it be something beautiful and happy because that is who I was.
Before you go pointing fingers and blaming one another for what I did remember it was my choice. I can't take it anymore. I hate that people judge me for my past decisions and who they think I am before they know me.
Mommy I know you did everything in your power to make me happy and I feel as if I have only disappointed you. I can't be the perfect daughter you deserve. I feel as if I am a burden to you and you don't need that. I was your first born and I remember when you and I would shop together and I would your hand. I remember when the day I started kindergarten and I was in a rush for you to leave so I could feel like a big girl. Now I don't want to be a big girl and want to be small again. I want to be your little girl forever.
Cassandra why did you go? Did you not love me anymore? Did you not like spending time with me? You were my best friend and the sweetest girl I knew. I look at you now though and I don't know who I am seeing. This girl you are becoming isn't you. Please for me promise you will be you and not someone your not. Remember the great times we had and cherish them. Remember me happy and smiling.
Mackenzie my baby sister. I am sorry you will have to see me like this but don't make the mistakes I made. Think about how just a few hours before I died how me and you spent all evening together and how we listened to music. Think about the makeovers we did on one another and how much fun it was. Don't be sad please. I want you to smile even on your gloomy days.
Nathanael, my dear precious Nate. You are the perfect brother. I know we have had our differences and I loose my temper a lot with you. Just remember though you the little brother I always wanted. I was so proud to be your sister and I will be watching over you okay?
Ethan, my big little brother. You always knew how to make everyone laugh and I am sorry I can't be the sister you could be proud of. I know you probably are embarrassed to be my brother some days and to be honest so would I.
Dane the baby baby. You will take this the hardest I think. Remember though that I will be with Papa and we will watch over you together. I am happy where I am now and just remember though it hurts now it won't later on.
Alyssa. I wish you the best and hope you can figure out life. You have a lot more gut then me to face the world I could never do that. I wish I was only as strong as you were.
John my father. You will always be my dad to me and I am sorry our time was short spent. Remember me as the girl at Disneyland with the band or on her birthday at six flags.
Father. All I have to say is goodbye. I am dead today because I refuse to go back and before I can I decided the best way to make sure I don't is this.
Sierra, my sister. I love you dearly and I am sorry I can't say goodbye to you in person. I don't want you to be sad and I want you to be stronger than me. I have always looked up to you and you are my hero. I am saying my last goodbye from a distance but soon I will be right by your side.
Goodbye to all others that weren't mentioned. I love you all but I can't continue on. I am sorry I am not strong enough to live life. Don't miss me to much because I shall be by your side. That is all I have to say for this is my last goodbye.
One thing none of you knew was I was gay and whenever you judged people who are like me without it made me scared to tell you. You guys always told me how gay people were evil and should never be allowed to live. I was scared if you knew then you would hate me ,just like Luke did. You see Luke was a friend you didn't know I had and when he found out I was gay he hated me. We had been friends for 3 years but that didn't matter to him if I was gay he didn't want to have anything to do with me. You know what though, I am proud of who I am and I except myself as being gay.
Perhaps I won't do it today but one of these days I must say my last goodbye. Whether it is tonight or not I don't know. But remember that I am happier wherever I am going and don't ever forget who I was or my last..... goodbye.