Teen Ink on Twitter
I need to know if people think I should continue this story, does it hook you, novel/short story? Everyone who puts in their advice on continuing or not, gets a rating and coment on one story. So in your post put your advice and the peice of your work you want comented on. Thanks!
“God, dad no!” I yelled at him, waiting for the inevitable slap. I watched as he turned his face from the carefully drawn out plan towards my despaired face. His face was as always, a cold stone, no compassion. The rest of the officials looked up at me from their golden table, used to my outbursts. They too composed themselves for it. If they showed any pain at this, they would receive the same treatment, probably worst. I gulped, desperation written on my face.
“And why not?” His voice was quite, yet filled the whole room like a menacing growl. “Do I recall giving you permission to speak out?” I trembled yet held my ground. If he did this, I could never forgive him, and neither would the thousands of people out there.
“Dad, those are people out there, with life’s and – and you just cant kill them!” I almost backed down as he stood up and walked quietly towards me. His face was growing on emotion, anger.
“You have no right to tell me what I can and can't do.” This time it was a menacing growl, one that snaked around the room freezing everyone and thing. But I was getting angry too.
“Those are people, you cant just -” Wrong choice of words I guess, since the slap came effectively silencing me. I fell to the hard marble floor my silk dress spreading out around me. I looked up into his hard blue eyes, pleading with my green ones. “These are your own people, not your enemy. Don't just destroy them.” Being on the floor made me an easy target for a kick which he delivered casually, on my stomach. I clutched at it, one hand to the slap mark on my face and the other around my stomach.
“It is the enemy, which you would be wise to remember, girl. There is just some collateral damage.” His eyes bore into me seemingly straight down to the bone. I stood up standing five inches shorter than him, refusing to look up from the floor.
“You have no right to be king.” I told him, then turned and ran through the massive doors up to my room, before he could deliver another blow.
The tears streamed down my face that night in my room. That was the first night I escaped the palace walls for the kingdom's streets.
I like it! It's very attention grabbing and active/realistic. Which way is the plot going to go? There's a lot of almost cliche stories about bad kings, so you'll have to be pretty creative to keep it from being too predictable. But what you have so far is great.
This is very very good! If you just fix it up a bit and make it flow a tiny bit better, you will have an amazing piece on your hands. Definitely continue it because it's very good :) Can you please comment and rate any of my work? It doesn't really matter which one, but if you like one of them, maybe you can check out the rest. Thanks!
Of course I will coment and rate In_Love_with_Writing. Any sepecifcs? Thanks you guys for the coments! JunieSparrow what do you want me to rate and coment?
Could you rate/comment on my poem "Rant?" Or if you want a short story "Fatal Scales." Thanks!
Very good :) There were some grammar problems, but those are easy to fix. It was attention grabbing and I wanted to know more. :)
*as for commenting on my work please just read whatever you think looks interesting*
I comented and rated on I wish I Knew, guardianofthestars. It was really good! thanks for your coment.
Sorry, Zozey is Kayleigh S. It is always witching between the two names
Alright I've decided to keep going with it, so, I am not going to pay attention to this thread anymore. Thank you for the coments!