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Feedback for my story please!!!!!!!!!!

PurpleBrass3rd posted this thread...
Jun. 20, 2013 at 8:04 pm

Running is very hard in pointe shoes, yet they still expect us to look beautiful and graceful, I thought. We have to ballet-run across the stage in six-eight time in our final dance. But it has to be quiet. Over time, pointe shoes soften and you don’t sound like a galloping horse. Except right now, mine still have that new pinkish sheen on them. They’re new and still aren’t broken in, meaning they don’t hold to my foot. I’ve been practicing much harder than usual to break them in before the recital. All my leg muscles are strained, but the recital is a week away and I can’t stop now.
I’ve been practicing my arabesques in this humid studio for about half an hour. It’s…strange, I guess, to only practice one move for so long and my ballet instructor keeps on asking why I am even here. Then she says she is going home, and reminds me to turn off the lights and lock up. I hear the soft click of the door. Then I suddenly feel frightened of being alone in the studio. It’s damp and hot, and the fuzzy fluorescent lights make me feel like I’m in a prison.
I push the weird feeling away. I have to remember what I am here for. I fool myself by pretending that I have enough energy to keep dancing. Then I begin practicing the arabesque-soutenu combination that’s been giving me so much trouble. When I begin the turns, gaining speed, I glance at the window out of the corner of my eye. The sky is turning pink and the clouds are different shades purple, but I should’ve been concentrating on where I put my feet. I try to stop spinning, but then I fall forward and hit the ground. A sharp, hot pain fills up my left ankle. I gasp and curl into a ball on the floor, just waiting for the pain to go away…
When it’s subsided to a dull throb, I unlace my pointe shoes and examine them. There is a long black mark up the front of them. A tear rolls down my cheek. This has never happened to me before. I definitely wouldn’t be doing this again. Usually, when I got even slightly hurt in ballet class, someone would be there for me. I just hope I would still be able to dance next week. 

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Superhero_Fan replied...
Jul. 6, 2013 at 11:11 am

This was pretty good! I know almost NOTHING about ballet, but I'll give you critiques on what I DO know. 

  For starters, I liked how you made her scared as soon as everyone left. That was very life-like, and I can relate to that. 

  One tip I have for you, is that if you're writing in first-person present-tence, you need to keep it consistent. On the last line you mixed 'hope' (present-tence) with 'would' (future-tence in this case). One way you could fix it, is to say 'I'll' instead of 'I would'.

  That's about it. Keep writing!

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PurpleBrass1st replied...
Jul. 7, 2013 at 12:17 pm

Thanks for looking at it! I didn't notice that, so I'll fix it. Thanks a lot!

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Superhero_Fan replied...
Jul. 7, 2013 at 2:30 pm

Anytime! Sorry I couldn't help any more than that, I just couldn't find anything wrong with it!

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darkerthanblack replied...
Jul. 8, 2013 at 12:17 pm

u have written the word 'would like 3 times in a row, in the last para. That sticks out. In the second last para second line it seems better if you write 'keep on dancing'. In the last para's ending was awesome though that anyone might not even care. Good luck!

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